Jonathan Ross went out to shoplift a kitchen utensil from Tesco. He thought it was a whisk worth taking.

A joke my 14 year old brother came up with:

I was wondering what the bricks used to build the Hilton hotel in Paris looked like... so I Googled "Paris Hilton Hardcore".

Is that a joke or an excuse that he came up with?

Paddy is driving along the road when a lorry appears in front of him...
Paddy pulls along side and shouts
"driver, youse losin ya load"
Driver says ‘feck off’
Paddy pulls along side again and shouts
"driver, youse losin ya load for sure"
driver says ‘feck off will ya’
Paddy pulls along side again and shouts
"See to be sure to be sure youse losin all dat dar load, so help me God"
Driver shouts back ‘Oh, do feck off will ya - I'm gritting’

WHO IS THE ODD MAN OUT - and more importantly - WHY??

Lord Stevenson: FORMER chairman, HBOS

Sir Fred Goodwin: FORMER chief executive, RBS

Andy Hornby: FORMER chief executive, HBOS

Sir Tom McKillop: FORMER chairman, RBS

John McFall MP: chairman of Treasury Select Committee

Alastair Darling: Chancellor of the Exchequer

Gordon Brown: Prime Minister and former Chancellor of the Exchequer

Sir Terry Wogan: FORMER presenter of Radio 2's Breakfast Show





IF you're thinking

Sir Terry Wogan,

THEN you're right.

However, the reason may surprise you...

Terry Wogan is the only one out of this motley crew who actually holds ANY formal banking qualification.

Worrying, isn’t it!

I phoned the UK Fisheries Protection help line today.
A message said "This call may be recorded and used for training porpoises".


Got mugged last night. 4 big bastards kicked the [LIFTED] out of me.....
Against all odds I managed to knock one out.......
Probably not the best time for a wank, but it could have been my last!


Finally;

What cheese do you use to hide a horse in?

Mascapone

Me being in charge of the Customer Support Team at Discovery - that must be a joke

Took me ages to spot that one. I kept reading it and reading it. And then I actually read the last word properly.

I missed that one as well.

Icelandic Volcano & Cheryl Cole - I see the Volcano's still blowing Ash

I'm going to tell Gordon Ramsay he needs botox.

That'll wipe the smile off his [LIFTED] forehead.

Rock band Keane are said to be 'horrified' that the Conservative party have been using their song 'Everybody's Changing' as their election campaign anthem without permission.

I wonder what The Prodigy will think when they find out the BNP are using 'Invaders Must Die'?

Stephen Hawking managed to hack into his wheelchair software.
He was so excited he could hardly control himself.