I've certainly met clients like that, so I don't think they are all made up, some maybe...

Oh dear god...



At this point I've taken the double barelled shotgun out of my duffel bag from under the desk and blown my own f______ head off!

I've had a similar experience at work.

It was actually a colleague of mine speaking to a user whilst we were trying to replace their old software with our new stuff.

There was a button called "Batch Match" and my colleague wanted to find out what it did...

Him: What does the batch match button do?
User: When you press it it creates a batch match.
Him: Yes but what is a batch match?
User: It's when you create a batch match by pressing the batch match button.
Him: OK, but what does it actually create?
User: It creates a batch match when you press on the button and it opens up a batch match.
... and so on.

In the end he gave up I think.

Yes but then you also get the customer services from hell who tell you everything from a script and while that might solve most problems if it is not solved by the end of the script they are lost. I had one tell me to turn off all my firewalls and leave my machine connected to the internet for 24 hours before ringing back.

That one or something very similar is true

+1

Dear ChurchCat, I was working until you posted this topic, and now I'm not.

“What we really want is a function where the user visits our website and the instant they do so it fires up Microsoft Word on their computer and starts filling out an order form. We think we would get massive revenue this way.”





Client [A California law firm]: “For the home page we’d like a photo of San Francisco. Lots of tall buildings, and it has to include the Golden Gate bridge.”

Me: “Sure, I can do that … but your offices aren’t in San Francisco.”

Client: “No, but we want people to think we are. It creates trust.”

Client: “We want to show one of our industrial steel columns in our logo. I think it should show one large tower with two smaller storage tanks along the bottom.”

Me: “Like this?” [I draw a long vertical shaft with two round circles at the base..]

Client: “It’s PERFECT! Let’s go with that.”

My old boss: Alex, ring the post house and get them to do an NTSC PAL digibeta copy of that.
Me: Erm... NTSC PAL?
Old Boss: Yeah, bill it to the production and I'll pick it up later.

I had long since given up any attempts to correct them, as this never went down well.

(8+0
OMJF what a n00b! (Not you, your old boss.)

Mark

It isn't just clients...

Me: The support engineer removed the cover of the hard disk and removed the filter, he said the filter banging against the platters was what was causing the noise!
Boss: Well, yes, he has to take the computer cover off to get at the drive.
Me: No, not the computer cover, the cover of the hard drive.
Boss: Sorry, but he has to take the drive out.
Me: No, after he took the drive out the computer, he removed its cover.
Boss: ...
Me: He unscrewed the case, broke the warranty seals and exposed the platters!
Boss: <picks up phone and calls the hardware support agency and repeats the conversation I just had with him, replace "Me" with "Boss" and "Boss" with "Customer Support"...>



Me: The purge unit in the Canon is faulty, the usual, we just need to replace it.
Support Engineer: Yeah, okay.
... <engineer removes cover of said Canon inkjet>
SE: No, there is just air in the pipe that delivers ink to the head...
Me: ...while the purge unit is faulty.
SE: No, we just need to remove the air.
Me: We need to just replace the purge unit, that is part of ITS job!
SE: <removes the pipe from the print head and inserts in mouth>
Me: <looks at personnel director standing next to me>
PD: <looks at me with widening eyes>
Me: <waits to do facepalm>
SE: <sucks on pipe>
SE: <sucks harder on pipe>
SE: BLEH! <spits ink all over the personnel director's desk and runs out of the office>
Me: <facepalms>
PD: THAT MAN NEVER ENTERS THE BUILDING AGAIN! UNDERSTOOD?
Me: Yep.
SE: <returns, mouth: black, tongue: black, wadded paper towels in hand: black> So, the purge unit is faulty, I'll just replace it.
Me: <nods>

Oh, that is priceless.

A mate of mine just sent me this one.