the trouble with women is that they never put the toilet seat back up.

Which is the odd one out. A Shark, a Lobster, a Crab or a Scouser?

The Shark, because the other 3 are pinching bastards who wear shell suits!...

Anyone travelling through Cumbria in the near future I recommend getting the bus.
It's [LIFTED] murder getting a taxi.

Sky news: Police say nothing could be done to stop Derrick Bird's rampage any sooner..

I wouldnt have finished my tea break earlier either

Women are like holidays.

You have to visit them all before you go back to the one you like best.

I'm a PC, and wheelchair bound, afro-american, homosexual dwarves were my idea.

there was a rabbi a priest in a bar and a Afghan man walks in


there where no survivors!!!

whats worse than two girls one cup??
two dead babies one blender

I went to this new French restaurant on a blind date yesterday. She had frog's legs and chicken breast's but her personality was absolutely fantastic!

Well that's my first shift over after my 2 week holiday in Spain.

I wasn't looking forward to working again but I can't believe how good the day was, no-one cut me up and all my fares gave me higher tips than usual.

anyway what's been happening while I was away?

On a scale from Anne Frank to Osama Bin Laden; how good was my hiding spot?

A blow job makes your day. Anal makes your hole weak

You always hear of the poor, starving, African children.

It's a load of bollocks. All the ones I've seen on Live Aid had massive beer bellies.

I like to throw eggs at David Cameron. Brick shaped eggs. Made from brick.

Did you know...?

Cumbria is currently the coldest place in the UK, at minus 12.