My wife thinks im so selfish. She asked me, is there anything you love more than your own cock ? Well yes there is one thing, my right hand.

Fabio Capello has withdrawn his decision of taking Emile Heskey to the world cup.

He says he needs someone who can get more shots on target.

Derrick Bird.

Sky News:
Survivor; How I dodged killer's shotgun.



Won't be as good as Eye of the tiger.

I've just quit my job at the helium factory

I am not going to be spoken to in that tone of voice

I can't wait for CSI: Cumbria!

Listen lads what ever you do DON'T send your girlfriend a photo of fresh cum in a text with the message "Just thinking of you!"

Apearently thats not romantic.

Duran Duran are releasing a world cup song. Its one of there old ones. Goes like this ........His name is Rio and he watches from the stands......

I went to the doctors yesterday, after my consultation he prescibed me some tablets. He told me you will have to take one tablet every day for the rest of my life, He only gave me 6!!!!!!!!!

I've written a song about a tortilla.
Well, it's more of a wrap.

I wonder if Emile Heskey is jealous of Derrek Bird for getting more shots on target in 3 hours than he has in his whole career.

What have the Grand Old Duke of York and Jordan got in common?

They had ten thousand men.

gingers have it easy do they ? .....


well try this for a Situation .. . .


The Setting ? - On Set of who wants to be a millionaire


The Situation .... hes used 2 life lines and hes on the final question ..... the last lifeline he got is phone a friend ...


What does he do ........... He Walks Away

Cumbria has now a chance to get their economy back up and running and forgetting about the past.

Plea to anyone planning a murderous rampage;
Instead of shooting up innocent bystanders, please consider eliminating any or all of the following;

Ant & Dec
Simon Cowell
The cast of Loose Women
Kerry Katona
Any Premier League referee
That waste of spunk who married Jade Goody
Anyone who watches Glee
Katie Price
Emile Heskey
Anybody French (Dawn French is also acceptable)
Justin Bieber

This will ensure that when you turn the gun on yourself, at least you will have the thanks of a grateful nation and die a hero.

An old Scotsman called his local newspaper to place an obituary notice for his recently deceased wife. He told the woman taking the ad that he wanted to have only two words in the notice: "Maggie died".

The woman at the newspaper told him that he could use up to six words with punctuation and it would cost exactly the same as two words.

The man thought for a few seconds and said, "Maggie died. For sale, 1991 Volvo"