Ferdinand out of the world cup.
Duchess of york in disgrace as a money grabbing whore.
12 dead in a shooting rampage in Cumbria.

Thanks for the laughs England

love,
Scotland x

Success is like being pregnant, everybody congratulates you, but nobody knows how many times you got [LIFTED] to get like that!

Did you hear about the woman with no arms and no legs who won a strawberry picking competition?



The jammy twat!!

My condolences go out to all the familys and friends of the cumbria victims for what happened the other day. And the poor buggers still waiting for a taxi.

Dim or bright lightbulbs?


Watts the difference.

UK gun murders in 2002: 14

USA gun murders in 2002: 9,369

Derrick Bird gun murders in 2010: 12


If he was obese then he'd be the perfect American...

My girlfriend has just been to our local supermarket. When she tried to buy some cigarrettes the woman behind the counter said, "have you got any I.D. love?" My girlfriend said, "I.D.?! You think I'm under 18? These are my 2 children and the oldest is 5!" The woman said, "That doesn't mean anything around here, love. I.D. please."

Three blonde girls out for a walk one day when the first said,

"I think I can see rabbit tracks."

"No way. I think they are dog tracks" The second replies.

"Don't be daft." The third responds. "They are deer tracks."

Headlines in papers the next day - "Tragedy as three girls hit by train."

Apparently, when they found derrick birds car, he had 'one shot' by jls playing on repeat!

A rabbit walked into my bar and ordered a cheese and ham toastie, a mushroom and cheese toastie and a tuna toastie.

He sat down, ate all three and then dropped down dead.

It was a bad case of mixing my toasties.

Ba dum cha!

It's kind of ironic that they caution pregnant women not to drink alcohol in case it harms the baby. If it wasn't for alcohol most women wouldn't be that way.

Israel have now said they will no longer bring building materials such as bricks, steel and cement into Gaza.

Which give me the opportunity to say for the first time that the Israelis are being anti-cementic.

- Jeremy Hardy

My friend confronted me the other day after she was told that I had called her a dog.

I told her she was barking up the wrong tree.

Tv Ratings on Bird watching went soaring last night...

In other news a Cumbrian sausage manufacturer has stated they are doing a special edition 13 pack of Bangers.

My grandfather was half Irish, half Chinese. His name was Pat Noodle.