excellent.

I pointed to two old drunks across the bar from us and told my mate,
"That'll be us in ten years."

He said, "That's a mirror, you dickhead."

A Belfast loyalist has accused the police of cruel and unusual punishment, claiming that he was repeatedly thrashed with a copy of last week's Jobfinder.

I think that is a Liverpool joke.

Was out shopping with the Missus last night at Tesco – asked if she fancied burgers for supper but she said Naayyyyy!!

Tescos meatballs are the dogs b0ll0cks!


After horsemeat was discovered in Tesco Value Burgers, Camel Toes have been found in Primark Leggings.

Apparently they've now found traces of unicorn in Waitrose burgers.

And they've also found traces of zebra in the barcodes.

It hasn't hit the fan yet.

Wait until they try the quarter panda burgers.

I was in Tesco's cafe yesterday and asked for a burger.
The girl behind the counter asked if I wanted anything on it.
'Righto,' said I, 'I'll have a fiver each way.'

I asked my girlfriend to pass me the newspaper.
"Don't be silly," she said. "Use my iPad."
That spider never knew what hit it.

Starting today, Tesco are giving treble points on your Clubcard for all burgers and petrol.

The deal is called Only Fuel and Horses.

There was an elderly couple that had been married for many, many years. One day, the wife suddenly died. The husband arranged for the funeral at their church. Six young men carried the casket to the front of the church. The pastor gave the eulogy, and the six young men started to carry the casket to the side door.

They had to go through an awkward, tight spot around a corner, and as they did so, the casket was violently bumped against the wall. Suddenly, the casket lid popped open and the wife sat up, alive and restored! The place went wild, and when things calmed down, the husband took his wife back home.

Ten years go by, and the wife dies again. The husband again makes the funeral arrangements at their church. Again, six young men carry the casket down to the front of the church. Once more the pastor gives the eulogy, and again, the six young men carry the casket to the side door. As they approach the tight awkward spot, the husband stands up and yells,
"Watch that corner, boys!!"

Are those from the Tesco branch from Seoul?

I heard that Beyonce Knowles had a thing with BBC correspondent Andrew Castle but she ran when he asked her to marry him due to the whole name change thing.