Shouldn't that be all of them as well?

What's the difference between Jordan and a Vuvuzela horn?

One's a cheap plastic bit of trash that makes an annoying whining noise every time you turn on the T.V.
The other is a musical instrument.

I like it.

+1

I woke up this morning and forgot which side the sun rises from.Then it dawned on me.

Two women are chatting in an office.

Woman 1: "I had sex last night, did you?"

Woman 2: "Yes."

Woman 1: "Was it good?"

Woman 2: "No, it was a disaster... my husband came home, ate his dinner in three minutes, got on top of me, finished having sex in five minutes, rolled over and fell asleep in two minutes. How was yours?"

Woman 1: "Oh it was amazing! My husband came home and took me out to a romantic dinner. After dinner we walked for an hour. When we came home he lit the candles around the house and we had an hour of foreplay. We then had an hour long session of fantastic sex and afterwards talked for an hour. It was like a fairytale!"

At the same time, their husbands are talking at work.

Husband 1: "You wanted sex last night, how was it?"

Husband 2: "Great. I came home, dinner was on the table, I ate, had sex with my wife and fell asleep. It was great! What about you?"

Husband 1: "It was horrible. I came home, there's no dinner because they cut the electricity because I hadn't paid the bill; so I had to take my wife out to dinner which was so expensive that I didn't have money left for a cab. We had to walk home which took an hour - and when we got home I remembered there was no electricity so I had to light candles all over the house! I was so angry that I couldn't get it up for an hour and then I couldn't climax for another hour. After I finally did, I was so aggravated that I couldn't fall asleep and my wife was jabbering away for another hour!

The bad jokes thread! (But I laughed)

A guy is driving around Northern Arizona and he sees a sign in front of a broken down shanty-style house: 'Talking Dog For Sale '

He rings the bell, and the owner appears and tells him the dog is in the backyard.

The guy goes into the backyard and sees a nice looking Labrador retriever sitting there.

'You talk?' he asks.

'Yep,' the Lab replies.

After the guy recovers from the shock of hearing a dog talk, he says 'So, what's your story?'

The Lab looks up and says, 'Well, I discovered that I could talk when I was pretty young ............. I wanted to help the government, so I told the CIA.

In no time at all they had me jetting from country to country, sitting in rooms with spies and world leaders, because no one figured a dog would be eavesdropping.'

'I was one of their most valuable spies for eight years running...

But the jetting around really tired me out, and I knew I wasn't getting any younger so I decided to settle down. I signed up for a job at the airport to do some undercover security, wandering near suspicious characters and listening in.
I uncovered some incredible dealings and was awarded a batch of medals.' 'I got married, had a mess of puppies, and now I'm just retired.'

The guy is amazed. He goes back in and asks the owner what he wants for the dog.

'Ten dollars,' the guy says.

'Ten dollars? This dog is amazing! Why on earth are you selling him so cheap?'

'Because he's a lying bastard! He never did any of that stuff!

Ant and Dec have arrived in Rothbury to present "im Raoul Mout. get me out of here!

Man Cty have confirmed they have bid £25 million for Raoul Moat. They dont know who he is but have heard everyone is after him

These jokes about the Northumbrian shootings aren't even Raoul Moat-ly funny

North East, not Northumbrian, not one of the shootings (except the suicide.... which he almost failed at) were in Northumberland, all in Tyne & Wear

I always thought having a Moat around your town was a sign it was safe, how times have changed.

After no one was able to provide clues to his whereabouts, the police upped the bounty to £20k, that's right, it's a Raoulover

Michael Barrymore has been found dead in his Essex mansion with chocolate round his bum. George Michael has been arrested for being careless with a Whispa

I ordered a Chinese takeaway tonight and when it arrived the driver said “That’ll be £20 pounds sir.” I said, “Okay, but could you just tell me the name of Jordan’s kid?” to which he replied “Harfy Price.” I said “Cheers! There’s a tenner now [LIFTED] off ...”

From The IT Crowd episode "Bad Boys"

A technician operating a bomb disposal robot (poking a nearby bomb) says "I'm having a couple of problems with it".

They say "What operating system does it use?"

Reply: "Vista." They say: "Were going to die!!!"

A bit old these days but very well done

I was in a pub quiz the other day I lost by one point. The question was where do women mostly have curly hair? Apparently, it's Africa



One of the other questions was to name two things commonly found in cells. It appears that Scousers and Pikeys is not the correct answer



I've heard that Apple have scrapped their plans for the new children's iPod after realising that iTouch Kids is not a good product name.



George Clooney is to star in a new film about Gary Glitter, called "Oh, She's Eleven."



My wife told me I was no longer romantic so I booked a table for the two of us on Valentine's Night. Problem was she's rubbish at snooker


There's a new Muslim clothing shop opened in Bolton but I've been banned from it after asking to look at some bomber jackets


You can say lots of bad things about paedophiles but at least they drive slowly past schools


A mate of mine has just told me he's shagging his girlfriend and her twin. I said "How can you tell them apart?" He said "Her brother's got a moustache!"