Many of you may not realise that Viagra- like Sellotape, Hoover and others is a brand name. Well, the company that owns this brand name has gone bust and therefore it is important that you ask for the drug by its generic name-

Mycoxaflopin.

A little rabbit happily running through the forest stumbles upon a giraffe rolling a marijuana cigarette. The rabbit looks at her and says, "Giraffe my friend, why do you do this? Think about your health. Come with me running through the forest, you'll see, you'll feel so much better!" The giraffe looks at him, looks at the joint, tosses it and goes off running with the rabbit.

Then they come across an elephant doing opium, so the rabbit again says, "Elephant my friend, why do you do this? Think about your health. Come running with us through the pretty forest, you'll see, you'll feel so good!" The elephant looks at them, looks at his razor, mirror and all, and then tosses them and starts running with the rabbit and giraffe.

The three animals then come across a lion about to take a heroin shot... The rabbit says "Lion my friend, why do you do this? Think about your health! Come running with us through the sunny forest, you will feel so good!" The lion looks at him, puts down his needle, and starts to beat the hell out of the little rabbit.

As the giraffe and elephant watch in horror, they look at him and ask, "Lion, why did you do this? He was merely trying to help us all!"

The lion answers..... . .....





"That little devil makes me run around the forest like an idiot for hours every time he's high on cocaine!".....

A man was riding his Harley beside a Sydney beach when suddenly the sky clouded above his head and in a booming voice, The Lord said.
'Because you have TRIED to be faithful to me in all ways, I will grant you one wish.'
The biker pulled over and said, 'Build a bridge to New Zealand so I can ride over anytime I want.'
The Lord said; 'Your request is materialistic, think of the enormous challenges for that kind of undertaking, the supports required reaching the bottom of the Pacific and the concrete and steel it would take! It will nearly exhaust several natural resources. I can do it, but it is hard for me to justify your desire for worldly things. Take a little more time and think of something that could possibly help mankind.'

The biker thought hard about it for a long time. Finally, he said, 'Lord, I wish that I and all men could understand our wives. I want to know how she feels inside, what she's thinking when she gives me the silent treatment, why she cries, what she means when she says nothing's wrong, and how I can make a woman truly happy'.

The Lord replied;
'You want two lanes or four on that bridge?

(Apologies to those of an Irish persuasion - it's just a joke!)

After having dug down to a depth of 10 metres last year, Scottish archaeologists found traces of copper wire dating back 100 years and came to
the conclusion that their ancestors already had a telephone network more than 100 years ago.

Not to be outdone by the Scots, in the weeks that followed, an English archaeology team dug to a depth of 20 metres, and shortly after, headlines in the English newspapers broke the story: "English archaeologists have
found traces of 200-year-old copper wire and have concluded that their ancestors already had an advanced high-tech communications network a hundred years earlier than the Scots."

One week later, "The Kerryman", a southwest Irish newsletter, reported the following: "After digging as deep as 30 metres in peat bog near Tralee, Paddy O'Sullivan, a self-taught archaeologist, reported that he found
absolutely nothing. Paddy has therefore reached the conclusion that sometime more than 500 years ago, Ireland had already gone wireless.

WHY MEN DONT WRITE ADVICE COLUMNS IN NEWSPAPERS

Dear Walter:

I hope you can help me here. The other day I set off for work leaving my husband in the house watching the TV as usual. I hadn't gone more than a mile down the road when my engine conked out and the car shuddered to a halt. I walked back home to get my husband's help. When I got home I couldn't believe my eyes.. He was in the bedroom with a neighbour lady making mad passionate love to her. I am 32, my husband is 34 and we have been married for twelve years. When I confronted him, he broke down and admitted that he'd been having an affair for the past six months.
I told him to stop or I would leave him. He was let go from his job six months ago and he says he has been feeling increasingly depressed and worthless. I love him very much, but ever since I gave him the ultimatum he has become increasingly distant. I don't feel I can get through to him anymore.
Can you please help?
Sincerely,
Mrs.. Sheila Usk


Dear Sheila:

A car stalling after being driven a short distance can be caused by a variety of faults with the engine. Start by checking that there is no debris in the fuel line. If it is clear, check the jubilee clips holding the vacuum pipes onto the inlet manifold. If none of these approaches solves the problem, it could be that the fuel pump itself is faulty, causing low delivery pressure to the carburettor float chamber.
I hope this helps.
WALTER

How about a couple of anti-jokes?

What's worse than a worm in your apple?

Anthrax.

A London lawyer runs a stop sign and gets pulled over by a Glasgow
> copper.
>
> He thinks that he is smarter than the cop because he is a lawyer from
> LONDON and is certain that he has a better education then any Jock cop.
> He decides to prove this to himself and have some fun at the Glasgow
> cops
> expense!!
>
> Glasgow cop says, ' Licence and registration, please.'
>
> London Lawyer says, 'What
> for?'
>
> Glasgow cop says, 'Ye didnae come to a complete stoap at the stoap
> sign.'
>
> London Lawyer says, 'I slowed down, and no one was
> coming.'
>
> Glasgow cop says, 'Ye still didnae come to a complete stoap. Licence
> and registration, please.'
>
> London Lawyer says, 'What's the
> difference?'
>
> Glasgow cop says, 'The difference is, ye huvte to come to complete
> stoap, that's the law, Licence and registration,
> please!'
>
> London Lawyer says, 'If you can show me the legal difference between
> slow down and stop, I'll give you my licence and registration; and you
> give me the ticket. If not, you let me go and don't give me the
> ticket.'
>
> Glasgow cop says, 'Sounds fair. Exit your vehicle,
> sir.'
>
> The London Lawyer exits his
> vehicle.
>
> The Glasgow cop takes out his baton and starts beating the c**p out of
> the lawyer and says, 'Dae ye want me tae stoap, or just slow
> doon?'

(Apologies for the formatting, came off an email)

Well it made me smile

Wow. I remember that from school.
That's so old it's excited about the 386.

A young boy was sitting outside his house crying.
A passing neighbor sees him and says
"Seamus, what's wrong? Why are you crying?"
Seamus replies "'Tis a terrible t'ing. Me mam's dying"
"That's awful" the neighbour says " would you like
me to fetch the priest?"
"No thanks", says Seamus, "I'm not in the mood for sex"

A young Irish woman went to London to work as a secretary and began sending home money and gifts to her parents. After a few years they asked her to come home for a visit, as her father was getting frail and elderly.

She pulled up to the family home in a Rolls Royce and stepped out wearing furs and diamonds.

As she walked into the house her father said "Hmmm - they seem to be paying secretaries awfully well in London." The daughter took his hands and said "Dad - I've been meaning to tell you something for years but I didn't want to put it in a letter. I can't hide it from you any longer. I've become a prostitute."
Her father gasped, put his hand on his heart and keeled over. The doctor was called but the old man had clearly lost the will to live. He was put to bed and the priest was called.

As the priest began to administer the sacrament of extreme unction, with the mother and daughter weeping and wailing, the old man muttered weakly "I'm a goner --killed by my own daughter! Killed by the shame of what you've become!"

"Please forgive me", his daughter sobbed, "I only wanted to have nice things! I wanted to be able to send you money and the only way I could do it was by becoming a prostitute."

Pushing the priest aside, the old man sat bolt upright in bed, smiling. "Did you say prostitute?....I thought you said PROTESTANT!!"

My wife has just been sacked from the jigsaw factory. She's in pieces.

A Cockney ventriloquist visiting Wales walks into a small village and sees a local sitting on his veranda patting his dog.

He figures he'll have a little fun, so he says to Taff

'G'day, mind if I talk to your dog?'

Villager: 'The dog doesn't talk, you stupid Cockney.'

Ventriloquist: 'Hello dog, how's it going mate?'

Dog: 'Yeah, doin' all right.'

Taff: (look of extreme shock)

Ventriloquist: 'Is this villager your owner?' (pointing at the Villager)

Dog: 'Yep'

Ventriloquist: 'How does he treat you?'

Dog: 'Yeah, real good. He walks me twice a day, feeds me great food and takes me to the lake once a week to play.'

Taaf: (look of utter disbelief)

Ventriloquist: 'Mind if I talk to your horse?'

Taaf: 'Uh, the horse doesn't talk either....I think.'

Ventriloquist: 'Hey horse, how's it going?'

Horse: 'Cool'

Taaf: (absolutely dumbfounded)

Ventriloquist: 'Is this your owner?' (Pointing at the villager)

Horse: 'Yep'

Ventriloquist: How does he treat you?

Horse: 'Pretty good, thanks for asking. He rides me regularly, brushes me down often and keeps me in the shed to protect me from the elements..'

Taaf: (total look of amazement)

Ventriloquist: 'Mind if I talk to your sheep?'

Taaf: (in a panic) 'The sheep's a bloody liar……

> A group of primary school infants, accompanied by two female teachers,
> went on a field trip to Cheltenham races to see and learn about
> thoroughbred horses.
>
> When it was time to take the children to the toilet, it was decided that
> the girls would go with one teacher and the boys would go with the
> other.
>
> The teacher assigned to the boys was waiting outside the men's toilet
> when one of the boys came out and told her that none of them could reach
> the urinal.
>
> Having no choice, she went inside, helped the boys with their
> underpants, and began hoisting the boys up, one by one, holding their
> willies to direct the flow away from their clothes.
>
> As she lifted one, she couldn't help but notice that he was unusually
> well endowed. Trying not to show that she was staring, the teacher said,
> 'You must be in year four.'
>
> 'No, madam,' he replied. 'I'm riding Silver Arrow in the 2.15.'