Lipstick in a Catholic School

According to a news report, a certain private Catholic school was
recently faced with a unique problem.

A number of 12-year-old girls were beginning to use lipstick and
would put it on in the bathroom. That was fine provided it was of
a natural or neutral skin tone, but after they put on their lipstick,
they would press their lips to the mirror leaving dozens of little lip
prints. Every night the maintenance man would remove them; and
the next day the girls would put them back.

Finally, the principal, Sister Mary, decided that something had to
be done. She called all the girls to the bathroom and met them
there with the maintenance man. She explained that all these lip
prints were causing a major problem for the custodian, who had
to clean the mirrors every night (you can just imagine the yawns
from the little princesses).

To demonstrate how difficult it had been to clean the mirrors Sister
Mary asked the maintenance man to show the girls how much
effort was required. He took out a long-handled squeegee, dipped
it in the toilet, and cleaned the mirror with it.

Since then, there have been no lip prints on the mirror.

There are teachers...... And then there are educators!

If Sister Mary ran for office I would vote for her!

Don't mess with a nun, they are wicked smart!!

Just bought some counterfeit Mr Kipling's.
I must say, they're exceedingly good fakes.

Why do Americans like wearing short sleeved shirts?
Because they have the right to bare arms.

What's David Cameron's favourite drink?

S'wine.

I liked Robin Williams version... And the right to arm bears. No let's see the f*ckers go hunting!

David Cameron walks into a brothel.
Well, a butcher to you and me.

Apologies to those of you who I've already texted this to :

My new year resolution is to learn sign language. I reckon it will be quite handy.

After their fishing vessel sinks, a Cuban, Pole, and an Irishman are floating aimlessly in a life raft with what little they had saved.

The Cuban lights a cigar, has a few draws, then throws it into the sea. 'Why would you do that?!' asks the Pole. 'Those cigars are plentiful in Cuba, and I have to believe I will return there!' says the Cuban.

So the Pole opens his bottle of vodka, takes a swig, and throws the bottle into the sea. 'What the hell?!' asks the Irishman. 'That vodka is plentiful in Poland, and I have to believe I will return there!' says the Pole.

The Irishman looks confused for a few seconds, then throws the Pole overboard.

Hey Babe, the name's Vista, can I crash at yours tonight?


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk

There's a new restaurant opening called Kentucky Freud Chicken.

It's motherfcuking good.

I've just been asked what ringtone I have. I said "I've never really looked, but probably light brown".

It goes something like this...
A revolution is where the population rise up against an oppressive regime to improve their lot in life. A coup is where a Scot gets milk.

That sounds like one from "I'm Sorry I havn't a Clue" - the new Oxbridge Dictionary

My apologies to Samantha oh and Windscreen = underpants

Edinburgh Festival's funniest joke of the year 2004-2015

"I just deleted all the German names off my phone. It's Hans free." Dan Walsh
2014

"I've decided to sell my Hoover... well, it was just collecting dust." Tim Vine
2013

"I heard a rumour that Cadbury is bringing out an oriental chocolate bar. Could be a Chinese Wispa." Rob Auton
2012

“You know who really gives kids a bad name? Posh and Becks." Stewart Francis
2011

“I needed a password eight characters long so I picked Snow White and the Seven Dwarves.” Nick Helm
2010

"I've just been on a once-in-a-lifetime holiday. I'll tell you what, never again." Tim Vine
2009

"Hedgehogs. Why can't they just share the hedge?" Dan Antopolski
2008

"I can't believe Amy Winehouse self-harms. She's so irritating she must be able to find someone to do it for her." Zoe Lyons
2006

"No wonder Bob Geldof is such an expert on famine. He's been feeding off 'I Don't Like Mondays' for 30 years." Russell Brand
2004

"My parents are from Glasgow which means they’re incredibly hard, but I was never smacked as a child … well maybe one or two grams to get me to sleep at night." Susan Murray