The Jokes Thread

[pcernie]

Two nuns were driving along in their ancient Morris Minor and stopped at a set of lights.
Immediately, a scruffy individual rushed over and started cleaning their windscreen.
"Go away!" shouted the junior sister. But the man continued unabashed.
"Leave us alone!" demanded the Mother Superior to no effect.
"Why don't you show him your cross?" suggested the young nun.
"Good Idea," nodded the senior nun.
She wound down the window and yelled, "F**K off, you cock-sucking little C**t!"

Doctor Dave had slept with one of his patients and felt guilty all day long.
No matter how much he tried to forget about it, he couldn't. The guilt and sense of betrayal was overwhelming.
But every once in a while he'd hear a reassuring voice inside his head that said, " Dave, don't worry about it. You aren't the first medical practitioner to sleep with one of their patients, and you won't be the last. You've had no complaint and you're single. Just let it go."
But invariably, another voice would bring him back to reality, whispering, ".... but Dave - you're a vet!"


DEFINITIONS

How are tornadoes and marrige alike?
They both begin with a lot of sucking and blowing, but in the end you lose your house.

What is the defination of confidence?
When your wife catches you in bed with another woman and you slap her on the ass and say "You're next!"

What's the difference between a blonde and an ironing board?
It's difficult to open the legs of an ironing board.

Lastly

A woman is walking past a shop when she sees a small poster in the window. It reads: 'Good home wanted for a clitoris licking frog'. She is fascinated and goes into the shop and says to the elegant man behind the counter, "I've come about the clitoris licking frog." "Ah, oui. Bonjour Madame," the assistant replies.

[pcernie]

One for our NI members, mostly


MATHS TEST FOR SECONDARY SCHOOLS IN WEST BELFAST TO INCLUDE FALLS, SHANKILL, AND PETERS HILL


NAME:________________________

NICKNAME ____________________

GANG NAME & BATTALION NUMBER____________________


1. Janty has 0.5 kilos of cocaine and 40 rounds of 9mm ammunition in 4 clips of 10. If he sells an 8 ball to Billy/Sean for 300 quid and 30 rounds to Newt-Newt for a tenner a clip, what is the street value of the rest of his hold?


2. JoJo 'Joe' McIlhatton has three fat mingers working round the Albert Clack. If the price is 40 quid an act, how many acts per day must each minger perform to pay his £500 protection money to the local battalion?


3. Smickers Smith wants to cut the kilo of speed he bought for 200 nicker, to make a 20% profit. How many grams of strychnine will he need?

Extra Credit Bonus: How many limbs will he get shot in if Tapper Elliot finds out he's knackin' out gear?


4. Christy Kingham got life for settin aff a smokie outside the Europa. He also got £350,000 from a Securicor van, on the fly.

If his common law wife, 22 year old Sharon Tracey Julie Molloy spends £33,100 per year supporting her twelve kids, how much money will be left when he gets out?

Extra Credit Bonus: How much more time will Christy get for nutting Sharon for spending his money?


5. If an average can of spray paint covers 22 square metres and the average letter is 1 square metre, how many murals can be sprayed with an eight fluid ounce can with 20% extra paint free?


6. HubCaps Wallace steals Dunkers skateboard. Dunker's da' is in the Ra. As HubCaps skates away at a speed of 35mph, Dunker's da' loads an RPG he acquired from the nearest, non-secure arms dump. If it takes Dunkers Da' 20 seconds to set the rocket, how far will HubCaps have travelled when he gets whacked?



MATHS TEST FOR SECONDARY SCHOOLS IN SOUTH BELFAST

(INCLUDING VICTORIA COLLEGE , METHODY and MALONE PREP):


NAME_____________________________________________________

_________________________________________________________


__________________________________________________________


__________(If longer, please continue on separate sheet)



DADDY'S COMPANY___________________________________


1. James Junior smashes up Daddiekins' car, causing X amount of damage and injuring three people. The old man asks his local MP to intervene in the court system, then forges his insurance claim and receives a payment of Y. The difference between X and Y is three times the life insurance settlement for the three injured people.

What kind of car is Julian driving now?



2. Vivienne's personal shopper decides to substitute generic and own-brand products for the designer goods favoured by her employer. In the course of a month she saves the price of a return ticket to Fiji and Vivienne doesn't even notice the difference.

Is she thick or what?



3. Rupert fancies the arse off a certain number of tarts, but he only has enough Rohypnol left to render 33.3% of them unconscious.

If he has 14 Rohypnol, how is he ever going to get out with the other two-thirds?



4. If Savannah throws up four times a day for a week she can fit into a size 8 Versace dress. If she only throws up three times a day for two weeks, she has to make do with a size 10 Dolce et Gabbana.

How much does liposuction cost?



5. Alexander is unsure about his sexuality. Three days a week he fancies women. On the other days he fancies men, ducks and vacuum cleaners. However he only has access to the Hoover every third week.

When does his Sunday Independent column start?

[pcernie]

Tiger Woods was walking through a shopping mall when a store Santa shouted 'Ho, ho, ho!'.

Tiger took it personally and the court case is next Tuesday.

[pcernie]

It is near the Christmas break of the school year. The students have
turned in all their work and there is really nothing more to do.. All the
children are restless and the teacher decides to have an early
dismissal.

Teacher: "Whoever answers the questions I ask, first and correctly can
leave early today."

Little Johnny says to himself "Good, I want to get outta here. I'm smart
and will answer the question."

Teacher: "Who said 'Four Score and Seven Years Ago'?"

Before Johnny can open his mouth, Susie says, "Abraham Lincoln."

Teacher: "That's right Susie, you can go home."

Johnny is mad that Susie answered the question first.

Teacher: "Who said 'I Have a Dream'?"

Before Johnny can open his mouth, Mary says, "Martin Luther King."

Teacher: "That's right Mary, you can go."

Johnny is even madder than before.

Teacher: "Who said 'Ask not, what your country can do for you'?"

Before Johnny can open his mouth, Nancy says, "John F. Kennedy."

Teacher: "That's right Nancy, you may also leave."

Johnny is boiling mad that he has not been able to answer to any of the
questions.

When the teacher turns her back Johnny says, "I wish these bitches would
keep their mouths shut!"

The teacher turns around: "NOW WHO SAID THAT?"

Johnny: "TIGER WOODS. CAN I GO NOW?"

[bobbdobbs]

If a Neanderthal wanders around aimlessly, does that make him a Meanderthal man?



If I hated my house and fell in love with my office building, would that be an edifice complex?



If puns are outlawed, only outlaws will have puns!



If you jump off a Paris bridge, you are in Seine.



"If you've got the Monet, honey, I've got the time."



In a democracy it's your vote that counts; in feudalism, it's your Count that votes.



Is a book on voyeurism a peeping tome?



Isn't "dumb blonde" a peroxymoron?



Leif Erickson went off on his voyage to the New World and a couple years passed and his wife found his name missing from the town register and she went to the census taker to complain, she said, "You must have taken Leif off your census."

[pcernie]

FOR THOSE WHO LOVE THE PHILOSOPHY OF AMBIGUITY, AS WELL AS THE IDIOSYNCRASIES OF ENGLISH:

ONE TEQUILA, TWO TEQUILA, THREE TEQUILA, FLOOR.

ATHEISM IS A NON-PROPHET ORGANISATION.

IF MAN EVOLVED FROM MONKEYS AND APES, WHY DO WE STILL HAVE MONKEYS AND APES?

I WENT TO A BOOKSHOP AND ASKED THE SALESWOMAN, "WHERE'S THE SELF- HELP SECTION?" SHE SAID IF SHE TOLD ME, IT WOULD DEFEAT THE PURPOSE.

WHAT IF THERE WERE NO HYPOTHETICAL QUESTIONS?

IF A DEAF CHILD SIGNS SWEAR WORDS, DOES HIS MOTHER WASH HIS HANDS WITH SOAP?

IF SOMEONE WITH MULTIPLE PERSONALITIES THREATENS TO KILL HIMSELF, IS IT
CONSIDERED A HOSTAGE SITUATION?

IS THERE ANOTHER WORD FOR SYNONYM?

WHERE DO FOREST RANGERS GO TO "GET AWAY FROM IT ALL?"

WHAT DO YOU DO WHEN YOU SEE AN ENDANGERED ANIMAL EATING AN ENDANGERED PLANT?

IF A PARSLEY FARMER IS SUED, CAN THEY GARNISH HIS WAGES?

WOULD A FLY WITHOUT WINGS BE CALLED A WALK?

IF A TURTLE DOESN'T HAVE A SHELL, IS HE HOMELESS OR NAKED?

CAN VEGETARIANS EAT ANIMAL CRACKERS?

IF THE POLICE ARREST A MIME, DO THEY TELL HIM HE HAS THE RIGHT TO REMAIN SILENT?

WHY DO THEY PUT BRAILLE ON THE DRIVE-THROUGH BANK MACHINES?

HOW DO THEY GET DEER TO CROSS THE ROAD ONLY AT THOSE YELLOW ROAD SIGNS?

WHAT WAS THE BEST THING BEFORE SLICED BREAD?

ONE NICE THING ABOUT EGOTISTS: THEY DON'T TALK ABOUT OTHER PEOPLE.

DOES THE LITTLE MERMAID WEAR AN ALGEBRA?

DO INFANTS ENJOY INFANCY AS MUCH AS ADULTS ENJOY ADULTERY?

HOW IS IT POSSIBLE TO HAVE A CIVIL WAR?

IF ONE SYNCHRONISED SWIMMER DROWNS, DO THE REST DROWN TOO?

IF YOU ATE BOTH PASTA AND ANTIPASTO, WOULD YOU STILL BE HUNGRY?

IF YOU TRY TO FAIL, AND SUCCEED, WHICH HAVE YOU DONE?

WHOSE CRUEL IDEA WAS IT FOR THE WORD 'LISP' TO HAVE 'S' IN IT?

WHY ARE HEMORRHOIDS CALLED "HEMORRHOIDS" INSTEAD OF "ASSTEROIDS"?

WHY IS THERE AN EXPIRATION DATE ON SOUR CREAM?

IF YOU SPIN AN ORIENTAL PERSON IN A CIRCLE THREE TIMES, DO THEY BECOME DISORIENTED?

CAN AN ATHEIST GET INSURANCE AGAINST ACTS OF GOD?

[pcernie]

The government today announced that it is replacing the Union Jack with a CONDOM because it more accurately reflects the government's political stance:

A condom allows for inflation, halts production, destroys the next generation, protects a bunch of pricks, and gives you a sense of security while you're actually being screwed.

[oceanicitl]

What do you call a dead man with 3 wooden heads?

Dead Edward Woodward

[jonlumb]

What cheese do you hide a horse in?

Mascapone.

[pcernie]

Nine Things Men Should Not Say at Victoria's Secret:

9. No thanks. Just sniffing.

8. I'll be in the dressing room going blind.

7. Mom will love this.

6. Oh, the size won't matter. She's inflatable.

5. No need to wrap it up. I'll eat it here.

4. Will you model this for me???

3. The Mircle What??? This is better than world peace!

2. Oh, honey, I'll never fit into that.

And the number one thing that a man should never, ever say out loud in Victoria's Secret:

1. 45 bucks?? You're just gonna end up NAKED anyway!

[Blue_Nowhere]

What should you do when you see your ex husband/wife rolling around on the floor in pain?

Shoot them again.

(Sorry! )

[oceanicitl]

What's brown and rhymes with Snoop?

Dr Dre

[AlunD]

BIG PEOPLE WORDS
A group of kindergartners were trying very hard to become accustomed to the first grade.
The biggest hurdle they faced was that the teacher
Insisted on NO baby talk!

You need to use 'Big People' words,' she was always
Reminding them.

She asked John what he had done over the weekend?
'I went to visit my Nana'.
No, you went to visit your GRANDMOTHER.
Use 'Big People' words!'
She then asked Mitchell what he had done
'I took a ride on a choo-choo'.
She said. 'No, you took a ride on a TRAIN.
You must remember to use 'Big People' words'.

She then asked little Alex what he had done?
'I read a book' he replied.
That's WONDERFUL!' the teacher said.
'What book did you read?'

( I love this.....)


Alex thought real hard about it,
Then puffed out his chest with great pride, and said,



'Winnie the SH1T'

[pcernie]

HOW TO SAVE THE AIRLINES


Dump the male flight attendants. No one wanted them in the first place...



Replace all the female flight attendants with good-looking strippers! What

the hell -- they don't even serve food anymore, so what's the loss?



The strippers would at least triple the alcohol sales and get a 'party

atmosphere' going in the cabin. And, of course, every businessman in this

country would start flying again, hoping to see naked women.



Because of the tips, female flight attendants wouldn't need a salary, thus

saving even more money. I suspect tips would be so good that we could

charge the women for working the plane and have them kick back 20% of the

tips, including lap dances and 'special services.'



Muslims would be afraid to get on the planes for fear of seeing naked

women. Hijackings would come to a screeching halt, and the airline

industry would see record revenues.



This is definitely a win-win situation if we handle it right -- a golden

opportunity to turn a liability into an asset.



Why didn't Bush or Obama think of this? Why do I still have to do

everything myself?


Sincerely,


Bill Clinton

[pcernie]

A cruise on the Pacific goes all wrong, the ship sinks, and there are only 3 Survivors; Jim, Tom and Susie.

They manage to swim to a small island and they live there for a couple of years doing what's natural for men and women to do.

After several years of casual sex, all the time, Susie felt absolutely horrible about what she was doing.

She felt having sex with both Jim and Tom was so immoral and bad that she killed herself.

It was tragic, but Jim and Tom managed to get through it. After a while, Jim and Tom's resistance to nature's urgings waned, and the inevitable happened.

Well, a couple more years went by and Jim and Tom began to feel absolutely horrible about what they were doing.






So, they buried Susie.