Here’s a situation. We have some neighbours, and while they can be annoyingly ignorant and bone idle, they aren’t bad people really. They are an older couple - man and wife. A week or so before Christmas, the wife had a stroke. We didn’t know this right at the time, but we found out a on Christmas Eve. So she’s been in hospital since December. He’s been visiting her, but recently has been grown more reclusive.

The police turned up on Wednesday asking if we had seen him recently - which we haven’t. They managed to get some keys from a friend who lives close by and found him inside. Apparently upset, and refusing any kind of help. Today the police were back, this time with paramedics. They got in through the back door (we let them through our garden to get access), and they found him in a depressed state. They took him to hospital for checks and a good talking to by matron.

One of his friends turned up and put us a bit more into the picture. He’s clearly dreading his wife’s return. Apparently, she is making a good recovery, but has lost the use of an arm. However, he will have to do a lot of caring for her, and I think that’s hit home. The things is that by doing what he has done will inevitably postpone or even put off her coming home. He is a bit of a lazy slob - and the sudden need to do some work may have pushed him over the edge. I don’t think he’s ever done a day’s work in his life since I’ve known him. I think he has to show he will be able to care for his wife before they let her home.

The thing is that we have offered to take him to visit her in hospital, have said we’d help him if he needed it and he has not asked. This is where pride deals you a bad hand. We also have to consider his family (he has grown up kids), and being interfering neighbours would not necessarily be a good thing. The friend we spoke to today was thinking the same - he wasn’t sure what more could be done without being intrusive. This is, I think, really his family’s problem, not ours. We will help if asked, but I don}t think it is our place to do all the work.

So, we’re waiting to see if the hospital will let u know the situation. At times, I wish I had some of his family’s phone numbers as I’d like to tell them what I think of the situation (but this would be inflammatory). They do seem somewhat distant.

That's sad but it sounds like you've done all you realistically can do without, as you say, being intrusive.
You can't force him to let you help him. All you can do is keep a (discrete) eye on things and hope he comes round or that the family will step in (assuming they know what's going on).

The family know - his friend told us a bit more about the reality of what is going on. The neighbours are both prone to fabricating stuff, so a lot of what they say needs to carry a disclaimer warning that what is being said may be slightly fictional. We took his milk in after he was taken into hospital because we thought it may go off if left out all day, and we dropped it in on him this evening. He’s very upset at the situation. I think he feels he isn’t getting the support from his family that he needs. This may not be true - it may also be that his family just can’t articulate things properly, and because of that messages are being misunderstood.

So we offered (again) to be a pair of ears, transport to see his wife, etc.. We can really do no more than that. We also suggested he spoke to the Samaritans or use their email service which I hear is very helpful. We have taken the proverbial horse to water. As you say, watch and help when needed.

It’s all getting rather depressing.

The day after the police/hospital escapade, he called round. He was asking a question about his prescription and how to get a new one, but I think the genuine reason for the call was to apologise for the trouble he had caused. We told him again to let us know if he needed help. He said he would.

Anyway, over the week I have heard his doorbell go at least once a day. We imagined that he was getting visitors and all was going better for him. We can hear the doorbell, but not if he has answered it. Today we found out that he has been hiding from the world, and his friend (who lives around the corner and has a key) had a social worker with him the other day and they had to drag him out from under his bed.

All is not well next door. I don’t think his wife will be allowed to return with him in his condition. He may even be taken in again for more assessment if he carries on like this. It’s very sad to watch, and we both feel rather helpless. We’ve put a note through his door again offering help, but I suspect that this is not going to be taken up.

We have to keep a distance - there is family to consider, and apparently his son visited him last week. I wish I had known. A conversation with him about what we can and can’t do would have been helpful to have had. We are willing to help, but don’t want to tread on any toes.

Just a word of warning.

I think that it's great that you are trying to be such good neighbours, but remember that you don't have any obligations to this man and his wife. If and when he accepts help from you, you might find that the demand is relentless and more than a little inconvenient.

I get calls to many elderly- otherwise alone- people whose neighbours seem to have turned into (unpaid) carers. I am not saying that some, any or all are in a position that they object to, but when you start getting calls from Careline at 3 o'clock every morning because one of them has fallen, I am sure that you will begin to understand what I am saying.

Your concern is welcome, especially in an age where it seems that some people don't care for or respect anything or anyone, but just remember that (as far as I can tell from your posts) you don't owe these people anything and before you get deep into caring about/for them, THINK.

trigen_killer - point taken.

There was more police/ambulance activity this morning. I think he’s going to end up either being taken to a psychiatric ward or hurting himself.

It might be just me, but I would rather receive a phone call at 03:00 then hear about a neighbour topping himself, after the event, when there is nothing I can do to at least try and help...

Not with the act of topping himself, you understand :etc:

* Damn! It was going so well until that last sentence *

I do feel that there are boundaries. His family must surely take responsibility before people who just happen to live next door do. That said, if he did ask for a lift to the hospital, we’d take him.

Anyway, today may well cause him to be flagged for attention by social services. I don’t know what happens in this kind of situation. Three police call outs with ambulance and possibly other medical staff in a short space of time must flash lights somewhere.

Unless they have a much higher workload than they can handle, which often seems to be the case.

The Police would handle the initial getting into the property. From there the health care people take over if needed. I guess those two are on the radar anyway.