WOMEN who go out dressed in f*ck-boots must keep them on in the bedroom, ministers said last night.

Trading standards officers have been inundated with complaints from men who claim they went with women in kinky footwear expecting them to be sexual deviants only to discover they were as adventurous in the boudoir as Kathy Staff.

A disappointed Wayne Hayes says he made a formal complaint to his local officers after he went home with one lady dressed like Julia Roberts in Pretty Woman who then made him do it through a hole in her nightie, with the lights off.

Mr Hayes said: “If I was looking for that kind of experience I could have gone with one of my mum’s friends from the bingo like normal. At least then you know what you are in for. Teeth or no teeth.

“I thought I’d get tied up at the very least, and maybe some hot wax on my privates. Instead I got a friction burn off the nightie, which also brought me out in quite a nasty little rash. I didn’t even know you could still buy winceyette.”

Bill McKay, Director of Kink at the Pervert Institute, said the new regulations were necessary to protect ordinary demented sex fetishists from falling prey to impostors.

He said: “To me a six-inch spike heel says I’m going to be kept in the basement for a month in a gimp suit. What does it say to you?”

Harriet Harman, the minister for females, said women had the right to dress as they pleased but had to understand that with rights came certain responsibilities.

She said: “If they are black and leather and up to the knee then it’s ‘lights on’ as an absolute minimum. Look at you, you're all dirty.”

I’m wondering what the new government’s position would be. Diagrams and illustratons can be used.

I suspect that if it came down to the individual Lib Dem and Tory MPs voting, it'd be law by midnight

“I thought I’d get tied up at the very least, and maybe some hot wax on my privates. Instead I got a friction burn off the nightie, which also brought me out in quite a nasty little rash. I didn’t even know you could still buy winceyette.”

What the f*** are f*ck-boots?

Are they just clear heels for strippers or something?

Did you read the quote in the OP?

I kinda assumed it was a reference to "fu©k me shoes", a phrase possibly coined or at least popularised by Germaine Greer back in the 1980s.

FMBs down here. Pure and simple.

The alternative listed here is grammatically incorrect and makes no sense.