BIRTHS to women over 40 have trebled in the last 20 years as men continue to lower their standards, according to latest figures.

New statistics suggest that if the trend continues, by 2030 nursing homes will have to start providing creche facilities and wheelchair accessible changing tables.

Dr Martin Bishop, of the Institute For Studies said: "In the 1970s there was no need to hump older ladies as Britain was awash with scantily-clad young nurses with saucy giggles.

"Uncomplicated fun was just a swanee-whistle slide away, as long as you could avoid being interrupted by Hattie Jacques.

"But nowadays men are so frightened of inadvertently waking up next to a school satchel that they're doing the grey fandango to avoid spending five years picking broken glass out of their dinner."

Bishop stressed that the increasing awfulness of teenage girls is also encouraging men to start a family with women who do not need ID to buy glue.

He said: "Most women under the age of 25 are a screeching combination of Southern Comfort and Living TV. All of a sudden liver spots seem infinitely preferable to a butterfly tattoo just above the arse."

Advances in nutrition and plastic surgery have also meant that older women no longer have to wait for the combination of excessive alcohol, desperation and the nightclub closing in 10 minutes to find a father for their children.

Bishop added: "Catherine Deneuve has started to complain about gypsies and Susan Sarandon keeps forgetting her teeth but you obviously still would."

Now, that's a spoof article from The Dailymash, but I think what it's joking around has a lot of truth to it. Discuss...

Now, that's a spoof article from The Dailymash, but I think what it's joking around has a lot of truth to it. Discuss...

I suspect there's a large part of it that's 'you're more attracted to people around the same age as you' and it's by no means exclusive but I come into contact with a lot of people in the 18-25 age range as part of my job and frankly there's a large chunk of them I wouldn't go anywhere near on a personal level. Really not very pleasant people. I know it's the function of the young to upset their elders but there's a difference between youthful rebellion and just being a pretty crap human being.

As far as 'lowering their standards' maybe the reverse is actually true? Maybe blokes are less willing to get involved with any old female and are a bit more picky so it takes a bit longer? I'm pretty sure I've got more selective as I've got older.

I think that it might be down to the fact that women when they get older get more realistic. I was discussing with a friend an article about what women want. It said a salary over £50000 a year, driving a silver mercedes, and so on. That really cuts the odds down quite considerably. What if you do not like mercedes and particularly silver? They are simply unrealistic. Maybe as they hit 40 they get desperate. So ditch the pill, hit the bottle (beer googles) and go off to Grab-A-Grannie night and party like its 1999.

big_D comments sound very much like my own - yes I've met plenty of women but most think its good to get totally smashed on a Friday night - not my scene at all thanks.

All the other's I have met are either married or in a relationship or, to be frank, very attractive but not very bright.

I can see me being another ProfessorF and polish the car and do the gardening my old age - would be nice to meet someone though.

I wonder if there's a correlation to the time at which 'MILF' entered modern vocabulary?

Dunno, but I remember reading that it's now the biggest genre in porn

'Reading', yeah 'typing' more like Ern.