FHM No. 1 Tulisa?

From Wikipedia:

Have you been doing too much programming and hiding under a rock over the last few weeks?

Thanks for the explanation Paul lol

Well, in Oli's defence, some of us are not in the slightest bit interested in the lives of those who inhabit the tackier "lifestyle" magazines and the lower orders of celebrité. I hadn't a clue who the woman was, either, so the joke went right over my head too.

I don't read any magazines. It was on the news on the radio station I listen to *shrugs*

I know of those kinds of stations. It's like ITV3.

When Bagpuss "went to sleep" all of his friends "went to sleep" too..... That was a grim day at the vets.

I find it difficult to swim unless I wear my armbands. Everyone seems to get out of my way when they see the swastikas.

I saw a man at the beach yelling "Help, shark! Help!"

I just laughed, I knew that shark wasn't going to help him.

I was having a piss in the swimming pool the other day and the pool attendant saw me.
He blew his whistle so hard I nearly fell in!

At my daughter's school parent's evening her English teacher pulled out an essay titled, 'What I did last weekend', handed it to me and said, "Mr Roberts, did you write this for your daughter?"

"No, of course not", I replied, trying not to look too guilty. "Whatever makes you say that?"

"I'm just a bit puzzled as to why an eight year old girl would spend three days drinking with the lads on a stag weekend in Amsterdam."

One day, a man came home and was greeted by his wife dressed in a very sexy nightie.
'Tie me up,' she purred, 'and you can do anything you want."

So he tied her up and went golfing.

A Polish immigrant went to the DMV to apply for a driver's license.
First, of course, he had to take an eye sight test.
The optician showed him a card with the letters

'C Z W I X N O S T A C Z.'
'Can you read this?' the optician asked.
'Read it?' the Polish guy replied, 'I know the guy.'

From Red Dwarf... (been watching it on NetFlix)

Lister: Sometimes, I think it's cruel giving machines a personality. My mate Petersen once bought a pair of shoes with Artificial Intelligence. 'Smart Shoes' they were called. It was a neat idea. No matter how blind drunk you were, they could always get you home. But he got rattled one night in Oslo and woke up the next morning in Burma. You see, his shoes got bored going from his local to his flat. They wanted to see the world, you know. He had a hell of a job getting rid of them. No matter who he sold them to, they'd show up again the next day. He tried to shut them out, but they just kicked the door down.
Rimmer: Is this true?
Lister: Yeah. The last thing I heard, they sort of... robbed a car and drove it into a canal. They couldn't steer, you see.
Rimmer: Really?
Lister: Yeah. Petersen was really, really blown away about it. He went to see a priest. The priest told him... he said it was alright and all that, when shoes are happy that they'd get into heaven. You see, it turns out shoes have 'soles'.

How do you repair a damaged toll booth?






Use Toll Gate Booth Paste.

Q: What do you call an alligator in a vest?

A: An Investigator.