I poured my root beer onto a square cup. Now I just have a cup of beer...

The 4 stages of life

1 You believe in Santa
2 You don't believe in Santa
3 You become Santa
4 You start to look like Santa

My wife hit a man with her car and told the police officer the man was drunk and on his phone at the time. The officer looked incredulous and said, 'He can do what he wants in his own conservatory, madam.'

People are making apocalypse jokes like there's no tomorrow.

I stole a few but it wasn't the end of the world

New Year's Resolutions You Can Keep
1. Read less.

2. I want to gain weight. Put on at least 30 pounds.

3. Stop exercising. Waste of time.

4. Watch more TV. I've been missing some good stuff.

5. Procrastinate more.

6. Drink. Drink some more.

7. Start being superstitious.

8. Spend more time at work.

9. Stop bringing lunch from home: I should eat out more.

10. Take up a new habit: maybe smoking!

I think I did: 1, 2, 4 then 3.

Re Kim Kardashian's pregnancy “Most pregnancies last about nine months, or about four marriages in Kim time.”

Or 20 Chelsea managers






I can't believe how bad people are at getting their Christmas decorations up early, I mean it's 356 days to Christmas and loads of people have them up, and some people still have their trees up too!

How many days are there in a typical Finlay year?

It had been a long day at work!

George Lucas just got engaged to a woman 25 years younger than him. When I first heard that, I was like, "Chewbacca-wow-wow!"

Lawyers should never ask a Mississippi grandma a question if they aren't prepared for the answer.

In a trial, a Southern small-town prosecuting attorney called his first witness, a grandmotherly, elderly woman to the stand. He approached her and asked, 'Mrs. Jones, do you know me?' She responded, 'Why, yes, I do know you, Mr. Williams. I've known you since you were a boy, and frankly, you've been a big disappointment to me. You lie, you cheat on your wife, and you manipulate people and talk about them behind their backs. You think you're a big shot when you haven't the brains to realize you'll never amount to anything more than a two-bit paper pusher. Yes, I know you.'

The lawyer was stunned. Not knowing what else to do, he pointed across the room and asked, 'Mrs. Jones, do you know the defense attorney?'

She again replied, 'Why yes, I do. I've known Mr. Bradley since he was a
youngster, too. He's lazy, bigoted, and he has a drinking problem. He can't build a normal relationship with anyone, and his law practice is one of the worst in the entire state. Not to mention he cheated on his wife with three different women. One of them was your wife. Yes, I know him.'

The defense attorney nearly died.

The judge asked both counselors to approach the bench and, in a very quiet voice, said,

'If either of you idiots asks her if she knows me, I'll send you both to the electric chair.'

So I've been going out on dates with a woman for a while. So far there've been eight dates, and they've all been much of a muchness. On the ninth date she suggested something different, so we stayed in and watched a DVD.

So, our date history has been dinner, dinner, dinner, dinner, dinner, dinner, dinner, dinner, Batman.

One I tweeted earlier today:
I tried to set up an animal theme park but it only had a dog, it was a shih-tzu