Where do women mostly have curly hair?


Africa

An Irishman, a Mexican and a Blonde Guy were doing construction work on
scaffolding on the 20th floor of a building.

They were eating lunch and the Irishman said, "Corned beef and cabbage! If
I get corned beef and cabbage one more time for lunch, I'm going to jump
off this building."

The Mexican opened his lunch box and exclaimed, "Burritos again! If I get
burritos one more time I'm going to jump off, too."

The blond opened his lunch and said, Bologna again! If I get a Bologna
sandwich one more time, I'm jumping too."

The next day, the Irishman opened his lunch box, saw corned beef and
cabbage, and jumped to his death. The Mexican opened his lunch, saw a
burrito, and jumped, too

The blonde guy opened his lunch, saw the bologna and jumped to his death as
well.

At the funeral, the Irishman's wife was weeping. She said, "If I'd known
how really tired he was of corned beef and cabbage, I never would have
given it to him again!"

The Mexican's wife also wept and said, "I could have given him tacos or
enchiladas! I didn't realize he hated burritos so much."

Everyone turned and stared at the blonde's wife. The blonde's wife said,
"Don't look at me. He makes his own lunch."

That's a Two Ronnies sketch from 30 odd years ago!

In this scenario they should eat each other's lunch.

And your point is ?

Late one night, two police officers pull over a car. They are surprised to see an innocent looking old man at the wheel. One of the policeman asks 'Well, grandad, where are you going this time of night?'

The old man replies 'well, I'm on my way to a lecture on the negative health effects of staying out, excessive drinking and smoking'

'wow', says the plod, 'whose giving the lecture?'

'My wife'.

"Why do they call it the Xbox One? Because it's 359 steps backwards."

Kim Kardashian and Kanye West have named their new daughter Kadence, because Ker-Ching would have been too obvious.

What's red and smells like blue paint?

Red paint. I'll get my coat.

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They actually named her North (I think that is a joke in itself)

But I heard it was so when she grew up she could have a perfume in the same vein as Nina Ricci's "Nina"... It'll be called North by North West

I should have corrected it, but the fact that her daughter does not have a name starting with K is different in itself for that family.

Well it will also be a problem if she becomes an actress. If she goes to auditions I wonder how many times she will get rejected when the casting director decides to go in another direction?

One year, I decided to buy my mother-in-law a cemetery plot as
a Christmas gift...

The next year, I didn't buy her a gift.

When she asked me why, I replied,

"Well, you still haven't used the gift I bought you last year!"

And that's how the fight started.....

________________________________


My wife and I were watching Who Wants To Be A Millionaire while
we were in bed.

I turned to her and said, 'Do you want to have Sex?'

'No,' she answered. I then said,

'Is that your final answer?'

She didn't even look at me this time, simply saying, 'Yes..'

So I said, "Then I'd like to phone a friend."

And that's when the fight started...

________________________________


My wife and I were sitting at a table at her high school
reunion, and she kept staring at a drunken man swigging his
drink as he sat alone at a nearby table.

I asked her, "Do you know him?"

"Yes", she sighed,

"He's my old boyfriend. I understand he took to drinking
right after we split up those many years ago, and I hear he
hasn't been sober since."

"My God!" I said, "Who would think a person could go on
celebrating that long?"

And then the fight started...

________________________________


When our lawn mower broke and wouldn't run, my wife kept hinting
to me that I should get it fixed. But, somehow I always had
something else to take care of first, the shed, the boat,
making beer.. Always something more important to me. Finally she
thought of a clever way to make her point.

When I arrived home one day, I found her seated in the tall
grass, busily snipping away with a tiny pair of sewing
scissors. I watched silently for a short time and then went into
the house. I was gone only a minute, and when I came out again
I handed her a toothbrush. I said, "When you finish cutting the
grass, you might as well sweep the driveway."

The doctors say I will walk again, but I will always have a limp.

______________________________

My wife sat down next to me as I was flipping channels.

She asked, "What's on TV?"

I said, "Dust."

And then the fight started...

________________________________


Saturday morning I got up early, quietly dressed, made my
lunch, and slipped quietly into the garage. I hooked up the
boat up to the van and proceeded to back out into a torrential
downpour. The wind was blowing 50mph, so I pulled back into the
garage, turned on the radio, and discovered that the weather
would be bad all day.

I went back into the house, quietly undressed, and slipped back
into bed. I cuddled up to my wife's back; now with a different
anticipation, and whispered, "The weather out there is
terrible."

My loving wife of 5 years replied, "And, can you believe my
stupid husband is out fishing in that?"

And that's how the fight started...

_______________________________


My wife was hinting about what she wanted for our upcoming
anniversary.

She said, "I want something shiny that goes from 0 to 150 in
about 3 seconds."

I bought her a bathroom scale.

And then the fight started......

______________________________


After retiring, I went to the Social Security office to apply
for Social Security.

The woman behind the counter asked me for my driver's License to
verify my age.

I looked in my pockets and realized I had left my wallet at
home. I told the woman that I was very sorry, but I would have
to go home and come back later.

The woman said, 'Unbutton your shirt'.

So I opened my shirt revealing my curly silver hair.

She said, 'That silver hair on your chest is proof enough for
me' and she processed my Social Security application.

When I got home, I excitedly told my wife about my experience at
the Social Security office. She said, 'You should have dropped
your pants. You might have gotten disability too.'

And then the fight started...

________________________________


My wife was standing nude, looking in the bedroom mirror.

She was not happy with what she saw and said to me,

"I feel horrible; I look old, fat and ugly. I really need you
to pay me a compliment.'

I replied, "Your eyesight's darn near perfect."

And then the fight started........

________________________________


I rear-ended a car this morning...the start of a REALLY bad day!

The driver got out of the other car, and he was a DWARF!!

He looked up at me and said 'I am NOT Happy!'

So I said, 'Well, which one ARE you then?'

That's how the fight started.

You just made my day Alun !

WORDS WOMEN USE

"FINE":
This is the word women use to end an argument when they feel they are right and you need to shut up. Never use "fine" to describe how a woman looks - this will cause you to have one of those arguments.

"FIVE MINUTES"
This is half an hour. It is equivalent to the five minutes that your football game is going to last before you take out the trash, so it's an even trade.

"NOTHING"
This means "something," and you should be on your toes. "Nothing" is usually used to describe the feeling a woman has of wanting to turn you inside out, upside down, and backwards. "Nothing" usually signifies an argument that will last "Five Minutes" and end with 'Fine.'

"GO AHEAD" (With Raised Eyebrows)
This is a dare. One that will result in a woman getting upset over Nothing and will end with the word "Fine."

"GO AHEAD" (Normal Eyebrows)
This means "I give up" or "do what you want because I don't care." You will get a "Raised Eyebrow Go Ahead" in just a few minutes, followed by "Nothing" and "Fine" and she will talk to you in about "Five Minutes" when she cools off.

"LOUD SIGH"
This is not actually a word, but is a nonverbal statement often misunderstood by men. A "Loud Sigh" means she thinks you are an idiot at that moment, and wonders why she is wasting her time standing here and arguing with you over "Nothing."

"SOFT SIGH"
Again, not a word, but a nonverbal statement. "Soft Sighs" mean that she is content. Your best bet is to not move or breathe, and she will stay content.

"THAT'S OKAY"
This is one of the most dangerous statements that a woman can make to a man. "That's Okay" means that she wants to think long and hard before paying you back for whatever it is that you have done. "That's Okay" is often used with the word "Fine" and in conjunction with a "Raised Eyebrow".

"GO AHEAD"
At some point in the near future, you are going to be in some mighty big trouble.

"PLEASE DO"
This is not a statement, it is an offer. A woman is giving you the chance to come up with whatever excuse or reason you have for doing whatever it is that you have done. You have a fair chance with the truth, so be careful and you shouldn't get a "That's Okay."

"THANKS"
A woman is thanking you. Do not faint. Just say you're welcome.

"THANKS A LOT"
This is much different from "Thanks." A woman will say, "Thanks A Lot" when she is really ticked off at you. It signifies that you have offended her in some callous way, and will be followed by the "Loud Sigh." Be careful not to ask what is wrong after the "Loud Sigh," as she will only tell you "Nothing"

"What's for dinner, dad?"
"Wookie steak"
"What is that?"
"It's a little chewie"


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