Are you off the opinion that you don't need a bf/gf/partner/wife etc. to live a happy and fulfilled life? Do you believe that you're single by choice, because you haven't met the "right" person yet? Or have you previously been married/long-termed and don't want to do it again...

There are a million other permutations and I'm interested in hearing peoples thoughts on the subject whatever they may be. However, I'd like it if we could remain vaguely on topic and perhaps for there to be some enlightenment in here, if at all possible.

I'll start. I'm currently bitter due to an extremely bad breakup in Italy 4 months ago and the fallout thereof. My brain tells me I can't change anything and should be working on other areas of my life which I wish to improve, but my heart finds it difficult to buy all the well-meaning advice of outsiders. This is not my first time though - far from it. I've been in love twice, and had several shorter relationships. So I know the drill all too well. Just wondering if staying alone is better or not.

Would love your opinions...

Although I'm no longer single, IME you have to be comfortable and secure being on your own before you are really able to commit to another person. All the relationships I had before just educated me in the things I did and did not want in a relationship, I was single for a long time before I met the Mister and deliberately stayed out of anything until I was secure and happy in my own company. To me, pinning your ability to be happy or fulfilled on the presence of another person in your life is a fools errand, if you don't know how to make yourself happy, how can you expect someone else to?

My opinion is you can be happy in your situation, whatever that situation is. You shouldn't define your life by any particular measure, be whether you have the right job or the right (in my case) girlfriend or whether you're married or not. I have spent chunks of my life sharing it with people and chunks on my own. I just get on with stuff either way.

If you're trying, you're doing it wrong. It's kind of like trying to grow your hair - strain and concentrate all you want, it will happen in it's own sweet time, whether you're expecting it or not.

The trick is to find someone who will put up with your sh!t long enough to eventually love you as much as you love them. You can't really plan it and, if you think you can, I believe you're setting yourself up for a whole series of disappointment.

A wife can make you happy........ She can also make you miserable beyond belief.

We are naturally social animals. We like to belong to a group. What defines that group is somewhat up to you - it might be family, friends, whatever. Sooner or later though, that group will change. Family will die, friends will move on.
I think for a lot of people, knowing that there's someone who's chosen to be with you is a very attractive thing. Fulfilment comes in a variety of ways; I've always found my work to be focus (for all the good it's done me).

I'm not single by choice, it's just something that's happened. It's like I've forgotten to get on with that part of my life. As some of you know, this past year hasn't been great because the girl I fell for chose a 50 something with dreadlocks over me. My sense of self worth has been taken behind the bins and given a good shoeing. Women that I'm romantically interested in are incredibly few and far between. And now I get to see their relationship pan out, and I can't shake the sense that it should've been me in his shoes. Such is life. In fact, the loss of her friendship has left me feeling hugely unfulfilled. A rewarding aspect of my life has been taken away, and so it's time to start rearranging the mental furniture until it feels right again.



As someone who's spent a lot of time on his own, and I guess overall, the balance sheet reads more in the red than the black as far as happiness goes, I'm not sure about that.
If you're happy alone, what do you need someone else for? For me, making another person happy is hugely rewarding. Knowing that you improve their life, and that you're better off with them in yours is a wonderful feeling. You invest in someone and see where that takes them. Maybe I do the work I do because I don't have a person in my life to do that with. I don't know.



Dude, there is no absolute answer to this one. Staying alone might better for you right now but it might not be in the future. I'm not sure it's healthy to cut yourself from that potential in the future.

I agree with Prof's closing remark. There is no right answer.

I lived alone for over 20 years.

I had a couple of "girlfriends" when I was a teenager, but never one who was "old enough", if you follow my drift. I was alone through my 20s and 30s. I had one girlfriend for a couple of months in my early thirties. That was the first time I found real love. I was then pretty much alone again until I met my wife (there was a psycho for a couple of months in between and that did me a lot of damage). I always had good friends, and really good friends who looked after me during the aftermath of the psycho - that is where you learn what real friends are.

I had gotten to the stage where I though I would never find a partner, then it happened out of the blue...

I was happy being alone, I could do what I wanted, I had close friends that I did things with (motor bike riding, online games etc.). My life was fairly well rounded, just that close emotional connection was missing, it made me sad sometimes, but generally I was relatively happy with my life.

But you have to make the most of your situation, you have to make it "right" for you. If that means you are a serial monogamist and need a close emotional connection, then living alone won't make you happy. For me, I was happier being alone that thinking about one-night-stands in between finding girlfriends.

Personally I love being single. I go galavanting around the country seeing friends <looks at Amy> and I get to watch what I want on TV without anyone moaning. I've become better friends with the people I work with and there is zero stress in my life. In fact I have so little stress now when I does happen I forget how to handle it.

Downsides is it's a pain cooking for one person and it's not the same going out for a meal on your own although you do overhear some funny conversations.

Life is ups and downs, good times and bad times so just make the most of your current situation and embrace life

Thanks everybody for commenting. I was hoping for less platitudes though. I'm 33 and I've heard all the usual stuff several times over the past 15 years.

I'm genuinely intrigued by the concept of "being ok by yourself". If we're supposed to be happy by ourselves, why is the default position for our species to be in an intimate relationship with somebody else?

Caz, you seem to be thriving and I've had periods like that in my 20s. No doubt they'll return at some point. However, it also sounds as though you have no intention of entering a relationship at any point. I would at some point in the not too distant future, like to have kids. Having a committed relationship would be the optimal background for such a situation.

So that begs the question, do you just go with the standard advice of "you should feel comfortable with yourself" etc. (which always strikes me as one way that people in couples try to make you feel better if you're having a tough time) or do you actively build your life towards the goal of meeting someone who will compliment it...?

Dave's comments are interesting also. The longest I've been truly alone was 4.5 years. In retrospect, it feels like a necessary and important part of my life for me to grow into the man I am today. But now, that length of time seems long. I have a talent for forming connections with people very quickly. It's what makes me good at flirting, a great salesman and a good guide in Italy. But the part of me that's good at that just scratches the surface of a man who requires deep and authentic connections with people to feel happy and "at home".

I have few true friends. My travelling has perhaps not helped, but it was lack of connection in my life that spurred me to leave the UK 4 years ago in the first place. Now after 3 months back here, I remember how cold and lonely this place can be. Particularly in the most beautiful part of England where everybody is in a relationship and there is no social seen to speak of.

p.s. Please let me clarify that this thread wasn't intended to garner sympathy or advice on how I should cope with heartbreak. I guess I'm intrigued to test the hypothesis that people in couples would never want to be single again and single people, on some level, would like to be in a relationship...

I am actually dating but I don't feel a desperate need to be with someone and I'm not going to push for a relationship just for the sake of it. But I am 46 so I am at a very different time in my life and I'm past the 'reproductive' stage so I guess there is no pressure any more. So far I've met a few nice people but nothing that made me want to go out of my way to be with them. I would rather nurture my friendships and spend quality time with them than a guy who doesn't really dig me nor I him.

It would be nice to meet someone one day but it's not the be all and end all.

Thereby confirming the position that having access to people of the opposite sex for romantic interaction is something that even the happiest and most comfortable of individuals seek. No?

Of course. And miserable people too

I think you "need" to be happy with your own company

I have been in a couple of long term relationships and in my 40's spend 6 years single and loved it.

I am now in another relationship (7 yrs and counting) and also enjoying it - but I am old and ugly enough that its may not last (SWMBO could run off with George Clooney ) and OK in myself that I know I would survive and move on as needed

I'm a terrible person to ask because I'm not good at balancing feelings with my need to go all Spock on everything!

Far as I can tell, everyone gets pangs of loneliness. I hate that cos I'm someone who doesn't need company otherwise and it just feels like an irrational weakness. I don't know how much of that is, for want of a better term, social conditioning. I wonder would it even matter at all if I was close to my family, cos I really am happy just doing whatever I want to do. Right now I don't actually want a relationship. Just my own space. That might be skewered differently in a year or so with a house of my own, too.

I think part of the problem now is that we actually feel like we should be on top of all this. We know we're living longer, we know when's optimal for parenting, career progression... But the honest truth is society is even more complicated now. It used to be she got pregnant and married shortly after, and there's still an element of that, but it's not taboo any more. More choice has meant more complication... For instance, I know a single mother who has been single for years and doesn't know whether she actually wants a bloke or not. I think we maybe desire to control too much these days, when it might just be a case of attend every date going or just take yourself out of the frame until you bump into someone randomly.

Frankly, I suspect an awful lot of people are quite happy looking after pets and everybody else is just overthinking it!

So if that's the case. This whole, you should be happy by yourself i.e. alone position is nonsense, as we're designed to form pair bonds. At least that's how it seems.


Hifi, are you saying that essentially a relationship is a desirable, but non-essential bonus? I heard views similar to this from men in their 40s and 50s throughout the winter (I met 150 new people every week as part of my job).