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What would you do? 
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My boyfriend has a 19 year old daughter who has been abandoned by her mother. She kicked her out of their home a year ago when she was 18, had left school and the child maintenance payments stopped. She moved in with her father.

She would love to have a relationship with her mum and invited her out on her birthday, went to her wedding when she remarried and occasionally goes round to see her for meals. When she was invited round to the house it usually ended up in a row and her Mum kicked her out. Now they are no longer speaking.

She has a good relationship with her Grandmother and sees her regularly but you can tell she would like her mother in her life. It has affected her, she has put on weight and comfort eats.

My boyfriend doesn't speak to his ex and is reluctant to get in touch with her as his daughter is an adult but it does really worry him.

I don't have kids and had good relationships with both my parents so this situation is rather alien to me.

What would you do?

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Fri Mar 24, 2017 10:55 am
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It's sad when these things happen. Is there a particular trigger or cause? Either daughter has some sort of issue or mother does, hence leading to the fall out.
The person is now an adult. She might crave a maternal figure. There's no reason why you specifically need to get into this role because it could lead to issues between you and your boyfriend's daughter, which in turn could have an impact on your relationship with your partner. On the other hand, it may end up strengthening the relationship between the three of you.

As a GP, I would refer her for counselling. In our local area, we have IAPT and patients can self-refer. Might be worth going down this route as she could be essentially "grieving" for the "loss" of her mother.

As always, these are my unsorted ramblings in my head so feel free to ignore.

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Fri Mar 24, 2017 11:01 am
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If you get on will with your boyfriends daughter then the best you can do is offer friendship and maybe "a shoulder to cry on"

I would not however get involved with the girls mother in any way

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Fri Mar 24, 2017 12:17 pm
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Don't get involved.


Fri Mar 24, 2017 12:44 pm
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Thanks

I've never met the mother, nor do I want to and to be honest I don't see his daughter that much. She spends a lot of time in her room as most teenagers do and if I'm round there she usually eats her meals with us. She also stayed at her boyfriend's a lot but they split up this week.

I've spoken to other friends too and they have suggested counseling. I'm seeing my boyfriend tonight so I'll have a chat with him.

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Fri Mar 24, 2017 12:59 pm
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TheFrenchun wrote:
Don't get involved.


I have no intention of 'getting involved' but it would be nice to be able to offer my boyfriend some advice as he doesn't know what to do.

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Fri Mar 24, 2017 1:00 pm
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oceanicitl wrote:
TheFrenchun wrote:
Don't get involved.


I have no intention of 'getting involved' but it would be nice to be able to offer my boyfriend some advice as he doesn't know what to do.

Comfort him and provide moral support , but getting into other people's family business is never a good idea


Fri Mar 24, 2017 1:14 pm
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There's nothing much you can do aside from explaining to the daughter that you are there if she needs someone to speak to, (confidentially, of course) and it would be worth having a chat with your boyfriend, to broach the topic of counselling, as that is something that either he, or you as a couple should be bringing up.

Personally, I'd say that you don't want to talk to her about it on your own.

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Fri Mar 24, 2017 1:25 pm
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John_Vella wrote:
There's nothing much you can do aside from explaining to the daughter that you are there if she needs someone to speak to, (confidentially, of course) and it would be worth having a chat with your boyfriend, to broach the topic of counselling, as that is something that either he, or you as a couple should be bringing up.

Personally, I'd say that you don't want to talk to her about it on your own.


I wasn't planning to talk to her on my own. She's had counseling in the past over issues when she was 15 so we'll see.

Thanks for the advice people :)

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Fri Mar 24, 2017 2:06 pm
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John_Vella wrote:
There's nothing much you can do aside from explaining to the daughter that you are there if she needs someone to speak to, (confidentially, of course) and it would be worth having a chat with your boyfriend, to broach the topic of counselling, as that is something that either he, or you as a couple should be bringing up.

Personally, I'd say that you don't want to talk to her about it on your own.

I had a similar experience with my eldest daughter. When I met her mother, she was in a stage, where she didn't want her mother to be hurt and she desperately wanted her mother to get back together with her father...

My wife always told me to stay out of disciplining the children directly, so I only did it in conjunction with her.

The eldest never really accepted me for the first year, until Christmas. I got home from work on Christmas Eve to find them both in their rooms and crying. We did a family sit-down and I explained how I felt, how I didn't want to hurt her mother, but nobody can promise that and that it was her mother's decision. I also said, that I would never replace the father, but hoped that we could be friends. We ended up crying in each other's arms.

It worked. We are now very close and I have a better relationship with her than she has with her father.

Your situation is a bit different, but I think you need to discuss it with your boyfriend and then try and find a non-confrontational way of explaining the situation. Explain that you both are there for her.

I don't think 1-1 therapy is going to help. It needs to be therapy with at least the mother and daughter, when not the father as well. In my case, I did offer to go to the therapy sessions with mother and daughter, but in the end, I didn't need to go.

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Sat Mar 25, 2017 8:53 am
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take TheFrenchun's advice please. support where you can but don't get involved, as hard as that maybe.

my wife and (step) son came from a, shall we say, volatile relationship. the volatile part i was more then able to deal with.
when i adopted my (step) son there was much conflict from the (his) family.

i had to step back for several years (not normally my nature).

but now because of that calmness in a sea of family venom we have a secure and solid family and a marriage that has lasted over 25 years.

sometimes taking the long road pays off if you believe its a price worth paying that the long road will cost ...

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Sat Mar 25, 2017 10:57 am
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I would suggest that the maternal grandmother is in a better place to try and help the daughter and mother have a relationship.
It's not a good idea for exhusbands to get involved as it could stir up a [LIFTED] storm of issues.

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Sat Mar 25, 2017 5:21 pm
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Do you know the source of the original conflict between mother and daughter? And is it the same thing being dredged up again which is still causing problems? It sounds as though the mum doesn't want to reconcile so as has been stated by several people above it looks as though the best option is to offer support but don't get involved too heavily. Does the daughter have much of a social circle to provide support?

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Sat Mar 25, 2017 9:56 pm
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Paul1965 wrote:
Do you know the source of the original conflict between mother and daughter? And is it the same thing being dredged up again which is still causing problems? It sounds as though the mum doesn't want to reconcile so as has been stated by several people above it looks as though the best option is to offer support but don't get involved too heavily. Does the daughter have much of a social circle to provide support?


The mother is a selfish bitch from what I gather and has always been that way. It seems she has little need for her daughter in her life now she has remarried.

Boyfriend did have a heart to heart with her over the weekend so they're talking which is good and she did have Mother's day lunch with her Mum which is progress so we'll see how things go over the next few months. At the moment she's cut up about her boyfriend dumping her but hopefully she'll build a new life with her new uni friends and he'll be a distant memory soon.

Thanks again everyone

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Caz is correct though


Mon Mar 27, 2017 9:49 am
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oceanicitl wrote:
The mother is a selfish bitch

Explains it all.

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Mon Mar 27, 2017 10:41 am
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