I agree with boobydoobs.

One piece of advice though. If you're going to ask her if she wants to go for a walk with your dogs, firstly make it clear that you will be there as well, and she won't just be walking your dogs, and also remember that "walking the dogs" is completely different to "going dogging"

:etc:

...and don't forget the chips (8-p)

You seem to have forgotten that they're in foreign Scotland, where chips are known as "salad"

- You owe me a new keyboard and a fresh cup of tea Mr V....

Oh yes. I have enough trouble with these people from Foreign France*If you're reading this then hehe - Je suis desole* that I sometimes forget to make allowances for these foreign scots :p

I'm sure there a one liner about spitting or swallowing in there somewhere

forgot gargling

This is getting ridiculous now As I hadnt heard from the girl I try to ask out for months, Ive been kinda seeing this spanish girl I really like, as Im fairly confident I asked for her number few days ago so she gave me it fine etc so we talk often, but last week I saw the first girl I want to ask out, Had a dream of her the day before I saw her and when I did see her she invited me to this DJ party thing at some hall, so I agreed to go to see her DJing. When I arrived there it was a goddamn party full of 8-9 year olds and so she must of volunteered to do that djing for them kids, I nearly had a laughing fit as I didnt expect that age group to be there so I didnt even step in, just left and waited till it ended then talked to her again. Asked if she'd want to come out sometime but she said in few weeks cos shes busy and got her final driving test to do etc.

I give up with girls

Heading for the cock then?

Look out for a big one.

I spent last night out with work mates.
I spent most of the evening people watching, as I was driving, so I wasn't drinking.

Girl A is moving onto new pastures, hence the night out.
She's deeply in lust with Boy B, who until 14 days ago, was involved with someone.
So, for the last two weeks, Girl A's been flitting around Boy B unsure of what to do.

On the other hand, we have Girl C, who's clearly really, really into Boy D.
Boy D, of course, also has a girlfriend. But I'm 90% he's conveniently forgetting her when the time's right.
Like when they've had a skin full of booze, then hopping in a taxi back to Girl C's place.

Relationships are bunk.

Your friends have strange names, were they created in a laboratory?

Those aren't their real names, silly!
Of course, that's not how they're known at work.
There we use numbers.

I quite like the idea of calling my children Alice, Bob and Eve.

mmm, Cryptography.

Surely it's much funnier to use initials to spell swear words.