Need your views on a particle problem on my mind at the moment –

I pay £185 child maintenance to my ex wife for my daughter (aged 12), I also put away in a savings account £30 a month for my daughter to have when she is 18. This is an arrangement between the two of us and involves no third party.

Since starting high school which is local to both her mum and me (her primary wasn’t) she has started staying around Tuesdays and Thursdays nights instead of staying at her grandparents with her half brother and sisters till her step dad picks them up on his way come from work (her mum works those evening). This is not a problem and I like the fact she is old enough now to come and go from my place as required.

As she spends most weekends with me anyway her weekly stay over on average is now 4 nights.

Problem that’s eating at me – Her mum is terrible at keeping up with her clothing needs and now I’m shelling out for more meals and school dinners etc every week and I’m think ‘what is her mum doing with the maintenance money’? My fear is if I try and reduce the money so I can directly feed more of it to my daughter she will simple stop my daughter staying around so much (which I don’t want) and the [LIFTED] will hit the fan.

My daughter loves staying over and she loves going clothes shopping with my GF or her own friends but if we don’t buy her some clothes her mum will go months before she decides to do anything about the out grown worn clothes my daughter has left to dress in.

Believe me 12 years old girls like to take great pride in their appearance and are very body conscious.

I feel I need to do something but I'm not sure what as I don’t want to cause problems for my daughter or the relationship I have managed to build-up between our two families.

This post is probably me venting some frustration so I apologies for that but I do like to hear the views and opinions from the greatness of the forum that is x404……

Not knowing what your ex-wife is like I don't feel I can really comment on your situation too well without jumping to conclusions pretty quickly.

My family is a chav-clan for the most part. I love them to bits, but they're very stereotypically chavvy sometimes, especially with the single-mother/children by different fathers part. In my experience, when this sort of thing is happening, it's because the mother is thinking "Jackpot, he's paying me £185 and buying everything she needs, so that's £185 for me".

Obviously you're a tactful enough guy not to confront her all guns blazing, but you could possibly ask for a meeting about the budgeting each month and see where it's going. Has your daughter said that her mother isn't buying her any stuff, or is it just your own observation? She might even be leaving the new stuff at her mothers so that she can go shopping with you! Girls love shopping... ^_^

you are in that horrible rock and hard place.
The relationship you have with your daughter is the most important part and whilst your ex may be taking you for a ride, its probably a situation you can do very little about without it going nuclear.
Believe me it will be worth it in the long term as your daughter will know that whilst you and her mum may not be together, you as her dad always looked out for her... and got her snazzy clothes

Have you tried asking your daughter if her mum actually buys her anything with the money you pay? have you tried asking your ex the same?

That's what I guess I'd do if I were in your position, but then again I am the step-dad in my place, (except for our youngest, who is mine) so what would I know?

To be fair I don’t think the ex is money grabbing, she has a new life, has remarried and has two children with her husband and I think there lays the problem. She is so tied up sorting the youngest out (6 and 4) that she loses site on my daughter a little. Problems I've experienced in the past is if I try and talk to her she just clamps shut or starts ignoring me when I popped round to pick up my daughter. She also has a habit of trying to rub me up the wrong way with messages via my daughter which I feel is a bit unfair.

Maybe john is right and I should just face the problem full-on with her and act on the results.

Do the two of you have a pretty good relationship?

If not, I'd say it's probably not really worth the risk of approaching the situation. She'll just pull the plug on your daughters visits. If you have quite a good relationship though then she's not as likely to over-react.

It's a tricky one, good luck!

Do you know your daughters stepdad at all? Would it be good if you talked to both your ex-wife and her husband together?

Why is the money going to your ex wife and not your daughter? My parents split when I was 10 and the child mainteance went directly to my bank account so I could buy my own clothes and any toiletries I needed. Perhaps you could come to a similar arrangement with your ex wife? If she doesn't agree to all of it going to your daughter compromise and offer to pay half. At least you know your daughter can then buy clothes and anything else she needs when she wants to.

This sounds like a sensible suggestion - maybe the proportion of the money going directly to your daughter can increase as she grows older and can show she can manage the responsibility.

Ditto, sounds like the best plan to me.

Obviously, you would still need to pay her mum for food etc...

Here, the money goes to the parent, until the child leaves home (but is still in full time education or until they are 26 years old). The reason is, the money is there for all of the child's needs, including heating, water, electricity, food, as well as clothing and luxury goods...

That said, paying part of that money directly to the daughter as a clothing/pocket money allowance does sound like the best way forward.

I like the sound of the direct payment or part payment to my daughters account, I think I will try and pursue that idea and see how it goes.

I’ll have to keep an eye on her for the first few months but my gut feeling is she’ll love the independence the arrangement will offer and the fact that she will be able to pick and choose her clothing more.

Cheers for all your comments by the way, they are much appreciated

My Mum used it as a way of teaching me responsibility with money and it worked well. I'm glad I helped and I hope it resolves the issues you're having.

Good luck.

Caz

I think this is definitely a good idea. Make sure you present it as "She's getting older, needs to learn about financial management etc." rather than "This is a way to make sure she's getting the money". It's far more likely to be positively received.

Child maintanance is a legal requirement to cover the childs upbringing (food, bills etc) it doesn't cover extras like fancy clothes etc. (but would cover school uniforms etc).
Your daughter is enjoying the fact you'll spend money on her (who wouldn't) and enjoys spending time with you and having your attention.

For the rest.

School dinners should be covered by the maintenance(sp) but meals she has with you are taken as a given but if you're looking after her for over 50% of the week I'd be looking at an adjustment of terms (as your payments were based on different access rights).

If you need it I've got a very good legal friend who'd be able to look over your situation (without predjudice)