How I Learned To Mind My Own Business:


I was walking past the mental hospital the other day,


and all the patients were excitedly shouting, '13....13....13.'


The fence was too high to see over, but I saw a


little gap in the planks, so I looked through to see


what was going on.....


Some idiot poked me in the eye with a stick!


Then they all started shouting '14....14.....14'... !

I was walking through the park the other day and I saw something in the sky.

I didn't realise what it was at first. All I could see was something long and flat in the sky getting bigger and bigger.

Then it hit me... it was a frisbee.

::I'll get me coat::

Like this?

LOL thanks that's really tickled me *forward forward*

Paddy has broken his leg and his buddy Mick comes over to see him.

Mick says, "How you doin?"

"Paddy says, "Okay, but do me a favour mate, run upstairs and get me slippers, me feet are freezing."

Mick goes upstairs and sees Paddy's gorgeous 19-year-old twin daughters lying on the bed.

He says, "Your dad's sent me up here to have sex with both of you."

They say, "Get away with ya.... prove it."

Mick shouts downstairs, "Paddy, both of em?"

Paddy shouts back, "Of course both of em, what's the point of f*ckin one?"

A lady goes to her priest one day and tells him, 'Father, I have a problem. I have two female parrots, but they only know how to say one thing.'

'What do they say?' the priest inquired.

They say, 'Hi, we're hookers, do you want to have some fun?'

That's obscene!' the priest exclaimed, then he thought for a moment. 'You know,' he said, 'I may have a solution to your problem. I have two male talking parrots, which I have taught to pray and read the Bible... Bring your two parrots over to my house, and we'll put them in the cage with Francis and Peter. My parrots can teach your parrots to praise and worship, and your parrots are sure to stop saying that phrase... In no time.'

Thank you,' the woman responded, 'this may very well be the solution.'

The next day, She brought her female parrots to the priest's house. As he ushered her in, she saw that his two male parrots were inside their cage holding rosary beads and praying.

Impressed, She walked over and placed her parrots in with them. After a few minutes, The female parrots cried out in unison: Hi, we're hookers, do you want to have some fun?'

There was stunned silence. Shocked, one male parrot looked over at the other male parrot and exclaimed, 'Put the beads away, Frank. Our prayers have been answered!'

THE MEXICAN MAID

A Mexican maid asked for a pay increase.

The wife was very upset about this and decided to talk to her about the raise.

She asked: 'Now Maria, why do you want a pay increase?'

Maria: 'Well, Senora, there are three reasons why I want an increase.'

The first is that I iron better than you.'

Wife: 'Who said you iron better than me?'

Maria: 'Your husband said so.'

Wife: 'Oh.'

Maria: 'The second reason is that I am a better cook than you.'

Wife: 'Nonsense, who said you were a better cook than me?'

Maria: 'Your husband did.'

Wife: 'Oh.'

Maria: 'My third reason is that I am a better lover than you..'

Wife: (really furious now): 'Did my husband say that as well?'

Maria: 'No Senora...the gardener did.'

Wife: 'So how much do you want?'

Q. What's the difference between a car and a golf ball?
A. Tiger Woods can drive a golf ball for 400 yards.


Q. How many women is Tiger Woods currently sleeping with ??
A. FORE!!!!

Paddy caught his wife having an affair, so he decided to kill her and himself.

He puts a gun to his head, looks at his wife and says "don’t laugh, your next"

Apparently, Tiger Woods has admitted his car crash was the closest shave he’s ever had.

So Gillette has dropped his contract.

Boy comes home and tells his parents he has just had sex for the first time. The proud Dad says 'I'll buy you a bike to celebrate, but you will have to wait until next pay day'. Boy says 'That's alright Dad, my arse is too sore to ride it anyway'
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Bloke shagging his girlfriend says' Bend over, we'll try the social security position' 'What the hell is that?' she says. 'When my balls touch your arse you're getting the full benefit.
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Had my first Gig as a stand-up comedian at an old people's home last night. They didn't get any of my jokes but they still pissed themselves.
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What is the medical term for the fatty tissue surrounding the clitoris? ........................................................................The wife!
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Essex girl in bed with her boyfriend says, ' How dare you call me a slapper, get out of my bed right now and take your f...ing mates with you'
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I was at Tesco this afternoon, when a lady dropped dead in front of me, I felt really sorry for her - she had just bought a Bag for Life.
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Teacher says to little Tommy 'Why weren't you at school yesterday?' Tommy says 'My grandfather got burnt.' Teacher says 'Badly?'
Little Tommy says ' Yes, they don't f..k about at the crematorium.'
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A friend of mine says he is shagging twins. I said “How can you tell the difference?” He said “Her brother has got a moustache!”

Teacher asks her class if any of them can give and example of the word "contagious".

Little Tommy jumps to his feet and says "yes miss, our next door neighbour started painting his house with a 2 inch brush, and my dad said it'll take the c**t ages!"

That one is about as old as me!