> Two priests are in a Vatican bathroom using the urinals.
> One of them looks at the other one's penis and notices there's a Nicotine
> Patch on it.
> He looks at the other priest and says ...
> 'I believe you're supposed to put that patch on your arm or shoulder, not
> your penis.'
> The other one replies ...
> 'Actually, it's working just fine ... I'm down to two butts a day.'

The Funeral Procession


A man was leaving a convenience store with his morning coffee when he
noticed a most unusual funeral procession approaching the nearby
cemetery.
~
A long black hearse was followed by a second long black hearse about 50 feet behind the first one.
~
Behind the second hearse was a solitary man walking a dog on a leash.
~
Behind him, a short distance back, were about 200 men walking single file.
~
The man couldn't stand the curiosity. He respectfully approached the man
walking the dog and said, 'I am so sorry for your loss, and this may be
a bad time to disturb you, but I've never seen a funeral like this.
Whose funeral is it?'
~
'My wife's.
~
''What happened to her?'
~
The man replied, 'My dog attacked and killed her'
~
He inquired further, 'But who is in the second hearse?'
~
The man answered, 'My mother-in-law. She was trying to help my wife
when the dog turned on her.'
~
A poignant and thoughtful moment of silence passed between the two men.
~
'Can I borrow the dog?'
~
The man replied, 'Get in line.'

Fred and Larry got married in California.
They couldn't afford a honeymoon so, they go back to Fred's Mom
and Dad's house for their first married night together.
In the morning, Johnny, Fred's little brother, gets up and
has his breakfast.
As he is going out of the door to go to school, he asks his mom
if Fred and Larry are up yet.
She replies, 'No'.
Johnny asks, 'Do you know what I think?'
His mom replies, 'I don't want to hear what you think! Just go to school.'
Johnny comes home for lunch and asks his mom,
'Are Fred and Larry up yet?'
She replies, 'No.'
Johnny says, 'Do you know what I think?'
His mom replies, 'Never mind what you think!
Eat your lunch and go back to school '
After school, Johnny comes home and asks again,
'Are Fred and Larry up yet?'
His mom says, 'No.'
He asks, 'Do you know what I think?'
His mom replies, 'OK, now tell me what you think.'
He says: 'Last night Fred came to my room for the
Vaseline and I think...... I gave him my airplane glue.'

A public school teacher was arrested today at London Heathrow
International Airport as he attempted to board a flight while in possession
of a ruler, a protractor, a compass, a slide-rule and a calculator. At a
morning press conference, the Attorney General said he believes the man is a
member of the notorious Al-Gebra movement. He did not identify the man, who
has been charged by Scotland Yard with carrying weapons of maths instruction.
'Al-Gebra is a problem for us', the Attorney General said. 'They derive solutions by
means and extremes, and sometimes go off on tangents in search of absolute values.
They use secret code names like 'X' and 'Y' and refer to themselves as 'unknowns',
but we have determined that they belong to a common denominator of the axis
of medieval with coordinates in every country.
As the Greek philanderer Isosceles used to say, 'There are 3 sides to
every triangle'.
When asked to comment on the arrest, Gordon Brown said, 'If God had
wanted us to have better weapons of maths instruction, he would have given
us more fingers and toes.' Downing Street aides told reporters they could not
recall a more intelligent or profound statement by the Prime Minister
They believe that the Nobel Prize for Physics will follow----

An Irish farmer named Seamus had a car accident.

In court, the lorry company's hot-shot solicitor was questioning Seamus..

'Didn't you say to the Police at the scene of the accident, 'I'm fine?'
asked the solicitor.

Seamus responded: 'Well, I'll tell you what happened. I had just loaded my
favourite cow, Bessie, into the....'

'I didn't ask for any details', the solicitor interrupted. 'Just answer
the question. Did you not say, at the scene of the accident,'I'm fine!'?'

Seamus said, 'Well, I had just got Bessie into the trailer and I was
driving down the road....'

The solicitor interrupted again and said, 'Your Honour, I am trying to
establish the fact that, at the scene of the accident, this man told the
police on the scene that he was fine. Now several weeks after the
accident, he is trying to sue my client. I believe he is a fraud. Please
tell him to simply answer the question.'

By this time, the Judge was fairly interested in Seamus's answer and said
to the solicitor: 'I'd like to hear what he has to say about his favourite
cow, Bessie'.

Seamus thanked the Judge and proceeded. 'Well as I was saying, I had just
loaded Bessie, my favourite cow, into the trailer and was driving her down
the road when this huge lorry and trailer came through a stop sign and hit
my trailer right in the side. I was thrown into one ditch and Bessie was
thrown into the other. I was hurt, very bad like, and didn't want to move.
However, I could hear old Bessie moaning and groaning. I knew she was in
terrible pain just by her groans.


Shortly after the accident, a policeman on a motorbike turned up. He could
hear Bessie moaning and groaning so he went over to her. After he looked
at her, and saw her condition, he took out his gun and shot her between
the eyes..

Then the policeman came across the road, gun still in hand, looked at me,
and said, 'How are you feeling?'

'Now I ask you, what the F *** would you have said?

The 6th grade science teacher, Mrs. Parks, asked her class,

'Which human body part increases to ten times its size when
stimulated?'

No one answered until little Mary stood up and said,

'You should not be asking sixth graders a question like that! I'm
going
to tell my parents, and they will go and tell the Principal, who
will then fire you!'

Mrs. Parks ignored her and asked the question again,
'Which body part increases to 10 times its size when stimulated?'

Little Mary's mouth fell open. Then she said to those around her,
'Boy, is she going to get in big trouble!'
The teacher continued to ignore her and said to the class,

'Anybody?'

Finally, Billy stood up, looked around nervously, and said,
'The body part that increases 10 times its size when stimulated is
the pupil of the eye.'

Mrs. Parks said, 'Very good, Billy,' then turned to Mary and
continued.

'As for you, young lady, I have three things to say:

One, you have a dirty mind.

Two, you didn't read your homework.
And three, one day you are going to be very, VERY disappointed.'

I've just come out of the 'chippy' with a meat and potatoe pie, large
chips, mushy peas & a jumbo sausage. A poor homeless man sat there and
said 'I've not eaten for two days' I told him 'I wish I had your
f*cking will power'

A woman buys a wall mirror from B & Q, manager says 'would you like a
sc*ew for that mirror' No she said 'but I'd suck your c*ck for a lawn
mower'.

Top tip; if your camping in the summer and the attractive girl in the
next tent tells you that because it's so hot she will be sleeping with
her flaps open, it's not necessarily an invitation to casual
sex...........Wish me luck I appear in court next Monday.

I got fired on my first day as a male masseuse today. Apparently the
instruction ' finish off on her face ' didn't mean ' What I thought it
did '

A fat bird served me food in McDonalds at lunch time, she said ' sorry
about the wait ' I said ' don't worry you fat b*tch, you'll lose it
eventually '

Paddy is walking down the road eating a bag of doughnuts, Murphy meets
him & says ' if I can guess how many doughnuts you have in the bag, can
I have one? Paddy said ' if you can guess how many doughnuts are in
there you can have both of them!! '...............Murphy says 'Four!'

Recession beater -
Wife says to husband ' if you cycle to work we could get rid of the
second car' Husband replies ' if you'd take it up the ar*e & let me c*m
on your face we could get rid of the nanny!'

One of life's great mysteries -
How is it that a woman can fit a seven inch vibrator into her half inch
f*nny, IN THE DARK............ but she's unable to fit an eight foot
car into a fifteen foot parking space IN BROAD FU**ING DAYLIGHT?

I know how those poor bastards in Haiti feel. Last time I had a few
aftershocks I couldn't find my house either.

Snow eh! The weather girl said she was expecting 8 inches tonight, I
thought to myself ' she'll be f**king lucky with a face like that!'

I have a new chat up line that works everytime!! It doesn't matter how
gorgeous or out of my league a woman might be, this line is a winner &
I always end up in bed with them..............Here's how it goes '
Excuse me love, could I ask your opinion? Does this damp cloth smell
like chloroform to you?'

Years ago it was suggested ' that an apple a day kept the doctor away '
But since a lot of doctors are now muslim, I've found that a bacon
sandwich works a treat!

Not a joke as such, but an amusing email I received, and for the benefit of anybody who hasn't already seen it...

This is a compilation of actual student GCSE answers (15/16 year old )

1. Ancient Egypt was inhabited by mummies and they all wrote in hydraulics. They lived in the Sarah Dessert and traveled by Camelot. The climate of the Sarah is such that the inhabitants have to liveelsewhere.

2. The Bible is full of interesting caricatures. In the first book of the Bible, Guinessis, Adam and Eve were created from an apple tree. One of their children, Cain, asked, "Am I my brother's son?"

3. Moses led the Hebrew slaves to the Red Sea, where they made unleavened bread which is bread made without any ingredients. Moses went up on Mount Cyanide to get the ten commandments. He died before he ever reached Canada.

4. The Greeks were a highly sculptured people, and without them we wouldn't have history. The Greeks also had myths. A myth is a female moth.

5. In the Olympic games, Greeks ran races, jumped, hurled the biscuits, and threw the java.

6. Eventually, the Romans conquered the Greeks. History calls people Romans because they never stayed in one place for very long.

7. Julius Caesar extinguished himself on the battlefields of Gaul. The Ides of March murdered him because they thought he was going to be made king. Dying, he gasped out: "Tee hee, Brutus."

8. Joan of Arc was burnt to a steak and was cannonized by Bernard Shaw. Finally Magna Carta provided that no man should be hanged twice for the same offense.

9. In midevil times most people were alliterate. The greatest writer of the futile ages was Chaucer, who wrote many poems and verses and also wrote literature.

10. Another story was William Tell, who shot an arrow through an apple while standing on his son's head.

11. Queen Elizabeth was the "Virgin Queen." As a queen she was a success. When she exposed herself before her troops they all shouted "hurrah."

12. It was an age of great inventions and discoveries. Gutenberg invented removable type and the Bible. Another important invention was the circulation of blood. Sir Walter Raleigh is a historical figure because he invented cigarettes and started smoking. And Sir Francis Drake circumcised the world with a 100 foot clipper.

13. The greatest writer of the Renaissance was William Shakespeare. He was born in the year 1564, supposedly on his birthday. He never made much money and is famous only because of his plays. He wrote tragedies,comedies, and hysterectomies, all in islamic pentameter. Romeo and Juliet are an example of a heroic couplet. Romeo's last wish was to be laid by Juliet.

14. One of the causes of the Revolutionary War was the English put tacks in their tea. Also, the colonists would send their parcels through the post without stamps. Finally the colonists won the War and no longer had to pay for taxis. Delegates from the original 13 states formed the Contented Congress. Thomas Jefferson, a Virgin,and Benjamin Franklin were two singers of the Declaration of Independence. Franklin discovered electricity by rubbing two cats backwards and declared, "A horse divided against itself cannot stand.". Franklin died in 1790 and is still dead.

15. Soon the Constitution of the United States was adopted to secure domestic hostility. Under the constitution the people enjoyed the right to keep bare arms.

16. Abraham Lincoln became America's greatest Precedent. Lincoln's mother died in infancy, and he was born in a log cabin which he built with his own hands. Abraham Lincoln freed the slaves by signing the EmasculationProclamation. On the night of April 14, 1865, Lincoln went to the theater and got shot in his seat by one of the actors in a moving picture show. The believed assinator was John Wilkes Booth, a supposedly insane actor. This ruined Booth's career.

17. Gravity was invented by Issac Walton. It is chiefly noticeable in the autumn when the apples are falling off the trees.

18. Johann Bach wrote a great many musical compositions and had a large number of children. In between he practiced on an old spinster which he kept up in his attic. Bach died from 1750 to the present. Bach was the most famous composer in the world and so was Handel. Handel was half German half Italian and half English. He was very large.

19. Beethoven wrote music even though he was deaf. He was so deaf he wrote loud music. He took long walks in the forest even when everyone was calling for him. Beethoven expired in 1827 and later died for this.

20. The sun never set on the British Empire because the British Empire is In the East and the sun sets in the West

21. Queen Victoria was the longest queen. She sat on a thorn for 63 years. She was a moral woman who practiced virtue. Her death was the final event which ended her reign.

22. Louis Pasteur discovered a cure for rabbis. Charles Darwin was a naturalist who wrote the Organ of the Species. Madman Curie discovered radio. And Karl Marx became one of the Marx brothers.

23. The First World War, caused by the assignation of the Arch-Duck by an anahist, ushered in a new error in the anals of human history

Wife (with PMT): Do you want any dinner?
Husband: What are the choices?
Wife: Yes or f**king NO!

What do you call a mug that works her ass off while most of her colleagues take the pi$$?

Carolyn

Boy comes home and tells his parents he has just had sex for he first time.
The proud Dad says 'I'll buy you a bike to celebrate, but you will have to
wait until next pay day" the boy replies 'that's alright Dad, my arse is too sore to
ride it anyway'


Had my first Gig as a stand up comedian at an old people's home last night.
They didn't get any of my jokes but they still pissed themselves.


Essex girl in bed with her boyfriend says, 'How dare you call me a slapper,
get out of my bed right now and take your [LIFTED] mates with you'


I was at Tesco this afternoon, when a lady dropped dead in front of me, I
felt really sorry for her - she had just bought a Bag for Life.


Teacher says to little Tommy 'Why weren't you at school yesterday?' Tommy says
'My grandfather got burnt' Teacher says 'Badly?'
Little Tommy says ' Yes, they don't [LIFTED] about at the crematorium.'


A friend of mine says he is making love to twins, I said ' How can you tell the
difference?' he said ' Her brother has got a moustache?


Hubby has ' I love you' tattooed on his penis, and goes home to show his wife,
she says 'There you go again, trying to put words in my mouth'


A charity pantomime in aid of Paranoid Schizophrenics and Homosexuals
Descended into chaos yesterday when somebody shouted 'He's behind you!

They Walk Among Us!
-----------------------------------------------------------------

Some guy bought a new fridge for his house.
To get rid of his old fridge, he put it in his front yard and hung a
sign on it saying: 'Free to good home. You want it, you take it.'
For three days the fridge sat there without anyone looking twice.
He eventually decided that people were too mistrustful of this deal.
So he changed the sign to read: 'Fridge for sale $50.'

The next day someone stole it!

They walk amongst us!
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------

*One day I was walking down the beach with
some friends when someone shouted....
'Look at that dead bird!'
Someone looked up at the sky and said...'where?'

They walk among us!

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
While looking at a house, my brother asked the
estate agent which direction was north because
he didn't want the sun waking him up every morning.
She asked, 'Does the sun rise in the North?'
My brother explained that the sun rises in the East
and has for sometime. She shook her head and said,
'Oh, I don't keep up with all that stuff....'

They Walk Among Us!
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------
My colleague and I were eating our lunch in our cafeteria,
when we overheard an admin girl talking about the
sunburn she got on her weekend drive to the beach.
She drove down in a convertible, but said
she 'didn't think she'd get sunburned
because the car was moving.'

They Walk Among Us!
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
My sister has a lifesaving tool in her car
which is designed to cut through a seat belt
if she gets trapped. She keeps it in the car boot.

They Walk Among Us!
---------------------------------------------------------------------- ------------
I was hanging out with a friend when we saw a woman
with a nose ring attached to an earring by a chain.
My friend said, 'Ouch! The chain must rip
out every time she turns her head!"
I had to explain that a person's nose and ear
remain the same distance apart no
matter which way the head is turned...

They Walk Among Us !
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------
I couldn't find my luggage at the airport baggage area and.
went to the lost luggage office and reported the loss.
The woman there smiled and told me not to worry
because she was a trained professional and
said I was in good hands. 'Now,' she asked me,
'has your plane arrived yet?'...
(I work with professionals like this.)

They Walk Among Us!
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------
While working at a pizza parlour I observed a man
ordering a small pizza to go. He appeared to be alone and
the cook asked him if he would like it cut
into 4 pieces or 6. He thought about it for some time
then said 'Just cut it into 4 pieces; I don't think I'm hungry
enough to eat 6 pieces.

They Walk Among Us!

And last, but not least:

Dumb as a box of Rocks

A noted psychiatrist was a guest speaker at an academic function where the past governor from up north happened to appear. She took the opportunity to schmooze the good doctor a bit and asked him a question with which he was most at ease.
'Would you mind telling me, Doctor,' she asked, 'how you detect a mental deficiency in somebody who appears completely normal?'
'Nothing is easier,' he replied. 'You ask a simple question which anyone should answer with no trouble. If the person hesitates, that puts you on the track.'
'What sort of question?' she asked.
Well, you might ask, 'Captain Cook made three trips around the world and died during one of them. Which one?''
The gov thought for a moment, and then said with a nervous laugh, 'You wouldn't happen to have another example would you? I must confess I don't know much about history.'


Sadly, not only do they walk among us, they vote, and their vote equals ours, and most frightening, they also reproduce!

I've got a clean one:

And then god made Saturn

... and he liked it so much he put a ring on it!